Top 5 ways to survive animal attacks with music
5. Wolverine Glancing at a picture of a wolverine sleeping might be cuteness incarnate, but they're vicious beasts. They usually attack by climbing a tree, waiting for their prey to walk by and then jumping down and attacking them. Their berserker rage attack is unrivaled in nature and can easily take down the biggest of prey, including you. It's pretty tough to thwart that kind of attack, but if you happen to have Electric Wizard on your iPod you can play it at maximum volume and startle the wolverine into playing air guitar long enough for you to make your escape.
4. Tasmanian Devil Tasmanian devils are pesky little bastards. Not only are they kick-ass fighters, they also eat anything and everything. That includes you and your stupid safari hat and the cutoff jean shorts you decided to take on your Tasmanian vacation. There isn't much you can do to stave off a Tasmanian devil attack, but if you happen to have Kenny G on your iPod, there's hope that you can lull them to sleep with some thoughtful, smooth grooves.
3. Immortal Jellyfish Picture the most terrifying monster you can. Okay, now make it immortal. That's pretty much how the immortal jellyfish works. If you see one of these wily beasts while you're out in the ocean with your waterproof Discman, there's only one way to scare them away: dubstep. The lower the bass tones, the better. It doesn't actually matter which artist you choose, as jellyfish don't particularly care, but if you want to be safe, you might want to play something along the lines of Digital Mystikz. The wobble bass drives them nuts. Oddly, playing Shackleton drives away polar bears, in case that comes up.
2. Aye Aye Lemur The aye aye lemur isn't not much of a threat physically, but if you spot one in the wild, you'll certainly be tarnished mentally for the rest of your life. The thing looks like it crawled out of the asshole of a zombie who ate too many cocaine addicts. The only way to fend off this dreadful creature is to fight fire with fire and to do so before you come across one. Thank goodness Mayhem exists. It turns out the aye aye is really into Mayhem, so if you walk through the jungle blasting it, they'll stay away from you because they'll be too busy rocking out in the trees.
1. Great White Shark The ocean is already the scariest thing on the planet, but throw a gigantic fucking shark with a bazillion teeth into the mix, and we can pretty much guarantee we'll never step foot in the great big blue. Have you seen Jaws? That shit is terrifying. A word to the wise, though: If you're going to play with your life and enter the ocean, bring a copy of some Jimmy Buffett. Why? Because great white sharks love to party, so if you play "Margaritaville" at top volume, they'll just pull up a lawn chair, call their friends and have a happy-hour drink.
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