Vanilla Ice -- famed rapper-turned-dancer-turned boxer-turned-motocross-professional-turned-remodeler -- is reportedly playing Captain Hook in pantomime production of Peter Pan in London. Although he'd probably be a better fit in the lead role (since he, too, refuses to grow up), he'll instead play Hook using the talents of body and facial movement. Swear, we are not making this up!
Nothing against the guy, but you'd think at some point he'd tire of trying to parlay his marginal fame into steady work -- or at least exhaust his options. Hardly. Seems like every time we grab the remote, there's Vanilla again, in our living room, whoring himself out for god knows what. Below are some of the highlights of his never ending career.
5. Rapper Yes, we danced to this douchebag's sweet, sweet jam "Ice Ice Baby," and we liked it. We liked it right up to the point we found out he wasn't a thug, but just another rich white kid from the 'burbs that wouldn't recognize the sound of gunshots if they whizzed right by his shaved eyebrows. He scammed millions of people by swiping a portion of "Under Pressure" and claiming it as his own. Too bad for him he wasted all his music millions on motocross.
4. Dancing On Ice Dancing while skating? Come on! Not that we bought that he was 'hood or hard before, but after this disgusting display of hooking himself out for cash, his thug cover was completely blown. And he lost. One would think after failing at just about everything you try, you would just give up and go back to washing cars like he did in high school. In all fairness, he could probably detail the shit out of your ride.
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3. Celebrity Boxing Another gem from Fox! Celebrity Boxing lasted a whopping two episodes, but we have to give it to Robby "Vanilla Ice" Van Winkle for trying to beat the shit out of Todd Bridges -- he seems like kind of an asshole. Unfortunately, like everything else in his life, he failed. Bridges floored Ice time after time. Maybe 'Nilla should've tried to put the smack down on Tonya Harding instead. No, wait... she'd have him kneecapped. He's screwed.
2. The Surreal Life This staged show put washed-up stars in a house, forced them to live together and paid them an assload of cash (in former C-list celebrity terms, anyway). Fake as the show was, Ice claimed that the famed evangelist's wife Tammy Faye Messner (aka Baker) helped him through his plethora of issues. Here's the thing, if you're on the show, you have problems, too, so...you probably aren't that qualified to be helping other people out. Just saying.
1. The Vanilla Ice Project We thought this baby was cancelled, but apparently it is still airing on the DIY network. Good Job, Ice! Keeping a job for more than a month! If you believe completely biased write-ups on the website, they claim that this ex-rapper has fifteen years of home improvement experience. We don't know how spending stints in rehab, appearing in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and spending all his time trying to get on washed up celebrity reality shows qualify one to revamp a home, but hey, what do we know?