What's cooler than snow? Uh, Ice, of course!
If you let the fat cats over at Google dictate your taste in cinema, then you may have avoided the 1991 romantic classic Cool as Ice (starring Vanilla Ice) for the past two decades. Most Americans think this film is worthy of but one star, when in reality, Cool as Ice deserves at least three stars.
If you haven't seen this cinematic masterpiece, allow us to recap: It's 1991. Ice is a handsome young musician with a devil-may-care attitude. He flows like a harpoon daily and nightly. He can get with all the ladies he wants. Women are lured in by his fanny pack, which acts as a kind of tractorbeam for hot snatch. So okay, you think he's got everything, right? But there's something missing! What he's missing is love. He's missing real, tender human emotion. And that's what this journey is all about. That and sweet dance moves.
What's missing? His shirt? The car that left skidmarks on his hair? What IS IT?!?!?!
So our man Ice -- whose name in the movie is actually Johnny, but that's not as cool as Ice -- he's blowing through town after town, living the dream. Improbably, he and his crew are on tour on crotch rockets with no sound equipment in sight. But suspend your disbelief -- this is a magical universe, as we shall see. So they're cruising down picturesque country roads, when suddenly Ice spies the foxiest equestrian this side of the Mississippi. Ladies and Gents, meet Kat Winslow, everyone's favorite naughty librarian.
Don't let that innocent look fool you. Pretty soon she'll be chillin' with Ice wearin' less than a bikini.
Ice sees this sweet young thing galloping through a field on a horse, and he thinks, "I've got to make an impression on this lass!" So tries the oldest trick in the book: jumping the fence on his motorcycle so that the horse gets spooked and Kat tumbles asunder, narrowly avoiding a spinal injury. YOUNG LOVE! This "meet cute" scenario pisses Kat off, but you can tell she thinks he's kind of intriguing. After all, he does have "Sex Me Up" brazenly scrawled across his leather jacket.
Ice doesn't go in for subtlety.
Within about three seconds of this fateful encounter, Ice's crew meets with trouble. One of the motorcycles breaks down, forcing them to tow the broken bike until they land in front of a house straight out of a 1990s Benetton commercial.
This house is brought to you by the letters W, T, and F.
This is the home of Roscoe and a Crazy Woman, who are never explained, but who agree to put the crew up for the night and fix the bike because they are bike mechanics? Anyway, so it seems that Ice and Company are stuck in sweet lil' Kat's hometown. Naturally, Ice wastes no time stealing Kat from her douchenozzle of a boyfriend. He hops straight over to her house (because he knows where she lives?) and requests, nay, demands, that she "drop that zero and get with the hero."
Look, I'm not going to jerk your chain over here. A lot of intense shit goes down in this movie. Kat slowly realizes her boyfriend is an abusive alcoholic. Ice and crew light up the stage and wax chumps like candles. And then Kat's annoying, Mario 3-obsessed brother gets kidnapped by thugs because why the hell not?
But you see, Ice was born not only with a preternatural ability to get down and do the Roger Rabbit, he also has keen crime-solving skills that helped crack the case of the kidnapped brother. So Ice figures out where the bad dudes are, crashes through a wall with his team of crotch rocket-wielding pals, and rescues the lil' dude. WHAT A GUY!
Kudos to you, good sir!
Now, after that long and fateful journey, was this film really worth only one star? Did we not laugh and cry and hope for a better life for Kat and Ice? Indeed! So do yourself a favor and add this gem to your Netflix queue this weekend. Word to your mother.
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