Dear Mexican: Why in the hell does everything have to be in English and Spanish? I ride the bus/train to work (not because I must, but because it's more efficient), and every time someone requests to stop, you hear "Stop Requested," then this parar bullshit! Not to mention the schools are packed with ESL students and teachers. I want my daughter to learn from an English teacher, not someone who just came across the border her damn self. I am tired of catering to you motherfuckers. No other country babysits Americans the way America babysits Mexicans. I'm tired of feeling like a handicapped or less-than TRUE American Citizen cause I don't "meet the qualifications." Qualifications? I have a degree! My English is damn near perfect! Because we refuse to cater to you spics, we as a country suffer. Fix your own land and quit jumping borders!
Sick of All of You
Dear Gabacho: Between your point in insisting you don't ride public transit due to economic duress, the fact that bilingualism exists in your day-to-day life, your child attending a super-majority Mexican school, your whining about affirmative action and your fucked-up logic (you mean because the U.S. does cater to spics, everyone else suffers), I'll peg you as a working-class gabacho who'd rather blame Mexicans for his sad existence than the captains of industry who make our economy the way it is. May the holidays bring your family luck, and may the Virgin of Guadalupe take off your class blinders so you can open your eyes, ese.
Dear Mexican: Why do you only answer two questions per week? Don't your publishers know that they could hire a gringo to answer four questions per week at the same price? I know these questions must cut into your tequila time, but at least you don't have to do any heavy lifting. There's so much more I want to know about Mexican culture, like, "Why do Mexicans wear cowboy boots while playing polka music?" or "Why doesn't Mexico just apply to become our 51st state?" or "Is Gustavo Arellano really the nom de plume of Carlos Mencia?" If you're really a Mexican, I think you could handle five or ten questions a week. Ándale, for crying out loud!
The Blue Prince of Dallas
Dear Gabacho: I can answer dozens of preguntas in the course of an hour, but that has to be on a radio station, where I take listener calls (hint, hint, local Know Nothing talk-show yappers!). In print, the Mexican is grateful newspapers even carry his column. Don't know if you've heard, Blue Prince, but my profession is just above telegraph operator nowadays in the stability department, with some periódicos that carried my columna folding during the past year, others running me exclusively on the Internet due to space constraints. What secures my existence? Ustedes readers, whose wonderful questions, letters to the editor in favor and against my existence, and attendance whenever I invade your town ensure that editors don't deport me for good.
2009 has been a tough year for all, especially Mexicans, who had to suffer through an año of amnesty limbo, hate crimes and George Lopez Tonight. But 2010 brings hope. It's the 200th anniversary of Mexico's liberation from Spain and 100 years since the Mexican Revolution, so we know la raza will experience another transformative upheaval. Let's begin the new year with the good: a selection of the winners of my contest asking ustedes to plug your favorite Mexican restaurant in 25 words or less! The Mexican does not vouch for the quality of these places, and if you don't like the winner, you should have entered the contest yourself (or remembered to keep your nomination to 25 words or less), pendejo. Have a feliz New Year, and remember to shoot your guns toward the ground, not in the air!
Albuquerque: Lo mejor de los restaurantes mexicanos de Albuquerque tiene que ser Padilla's Mexican Kitchen. They're so good they don't even open on Saturday or Sunday! 1510 Girard Blvd. NE, Albuquerque, 505-262-0115.
Chattanooga: La Altena: Coming from Los Angeles, their chile rellenos at least make us miss California less. Very nice owners, too. 314 W. Main St., Chattanooga, 423-266-7595.
Dallas: Cuquita's. The Holy Trinity is present, mi hermano: frijoles refried in lard, abuelita's arroz, tortillas de maiz upon arrival. Start guacamole, order milaneza, finish horchata. Multiple locations.
Denver: Go to the Original Chubby's. What makes it so bueno? It's a real paisa with buen diente who is making the suggestion and not a pinche bolillo who thinks guacamole should taste like lime and garlic, vamos a la verga! P.S.: Invita, güey! 1231 W. 38th Ave., Denver, 303-455-9311.
El Paso: Chico's Tacos — need I write more?
Eugene: Burrito Track in Monmouth. The al pastor tacos are the best! That's how their best cook won me over! Now, that's amor! 189 Pacific Ave. S., Monmouth, 503-838-4997.
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Flagstaff: La Fonda efficiently serves big, hot, fresh plates of what seems real Mexican food. They're not corporate, and they employ people from the same neighborhood. 1900 N. 2nd St., Flagstaff, 928-779-0296.
Houston: El Buey y la Vaca: There is a huge community pot of charro beans in the corner free for everyone, and the salsa bar is never clean, but you can tell the salsa is always super fresh.
Inland Empire: Tacos Tamazula's has chile verde to die for, mouth-watering salsa, and shrimp ceviche that'll make your tongue hard for a week!!!! 3484 2nd St., Norco, 909-371-3103.