A really modest proposal for eliminating the infield dirt from football stadiums
It's a dirty business.
(Note: Joe Tone live blogged the snot out of last night's Broncos-Raiders game, and would love if someone actually read it.)
As I watched the Broncos dismantle the Raiders last night, one recurring thought kept bull-dozing my mind: Who the shit is Eddie Royal and is he still available in my fantasy league?
Once I had secured Royal for my team, however, ensuring he doesn't catch another ball all year, it was another little something that harassed my little head:
Watching football played on a baseball field sucks. It's like watching Pamela Anderson have sex somewhere other than a yacht. It's just unnatural.
This, of course, is not a remotely new thought. Fans for years have lamented the eyesore of watching America's national pastime (football) being played on the surface of the Cuba's national pastime (
inner-tubing to Florida baseball). The dirt, while beautiful when sprinkled with bubble-popping Latin men, disrupts the sea of green and white that is the untarnished football field. Plus, it's gotta hurt like John Mayer's cold sores to fall on that gravelly nonsense. And watching cheerleaders high-kick in the third-base coaching box? That's just weird.
But it doesn't have to be this way. You see, it's not like the Raiders share a stadium with the Dodgers or Sox or some other team that matters to anyone at all. It's the Oakland A's, who as of last night were 21.5 games out of first place (and whose stadium, to quote stripper-turned-sports-owner Rachel Phelps, "doesn't draw dick" even when the team's winning). Why should the Raiders -– who suck equally, but whose season is much younger and hopeful, and whose fans outnumber those committed to the A's –- have to endure this nuisance? Why not the A's?
So, a proposal: The surface used in multi-purpose stadiums should henceforth be determined by the success of the baseball team that uses it. Stadium officials should follow this chart to make such a determination
1-5 games out of first place: Baseball field; no goal posts. Fans in stands must create goalposts with arms.
5-10: Baseball field with goal posts. During baseball games, anything off the goal posts is fair. Through the goal posts equals automatic three runs.
10-15: Football field; no infield dirt. To improve sliding conditions compromised by dirt removal, baseball teams may import Crocodile Miles at homeplate and second base.
15 and above: Football field; no infield dirt. Players on baseball team are responsible for sodding the infield themselves. Sodding must be done wearing jersey of the football team in question. No pants. If you're 21 games out, you just haven't earned the right to wear pants.
And that should solve everything, no? -- Joe Tone
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Westword's biggest stories.
- Aurora Theater Shooting Jury: Death Penalty Still on the Table
- Fredy Castilla and Pals Allegedly Drove From Nebraska to CO for Violent Pot Heist
- Reader: Real Coloradans Don't Use the N-Word