This is getting difficult. I'm not sure how many different ways I can call Brooke a psychotic termagant. But I will press on ...
This episode begins with Brooke causing mad problems between Davis and PJ. Within the first five minutes, we see Davis and PJ making out in a bed, with curtains drawn (there are no doors). We see Brooke peeking through the curtains to get an eyeful of hot gay men sucking face. She calls Jenn over to the curtain and they both peek through and snicker.
My little brother used to do that to me all the time. He'd burst into my bedroom, trying to catch me and my boyfriend in a compromising position. He'd giggle even if he didn't see anything and run away.
He was seven years old.
"Come join us, Brooke," Davis invites. I fight the urge to vomit.
"This house is full of the horniest people I've ever been around," wails Brooke. Probably true. But she isn't making things better with her constant talk of sex and threesomes and more sex.
Saint Chris from Outward Bound calls. Brooke, Stephen and Davis have to do makeup work for the time they missed on the mountain. They'll be starting physical training at the Colorado Athletic Club -- ninety minutes at a time -- and then they have to climb a mountain near Boulder and take a picture at the summit.
Colie thinks it sounds hard. She's fine with that, because she, Jenn, Alex and Tyrie worked hard on their Outward Bound trip that Stephen and Brooke basically blew off (we'll give Davis brownie points for showing up at the end). And Stephen and Brooke are being whiny little babies about having to actually do some work for a change, which is also fine with Colie. The slackers are getting no sympathy from anyone.
So, they go to the club. Brooke tells their personal trainer she can't really do squats because of her knees and her ankle. Davis thinks it's an excuse, not an issue anymore -- she doesn't wear her ankle brace and she's basically just lazy. I agree 100 percent, but he forgot to add that she's a psychotic bitch.
Brooke half-asses all the exercises. She barely bends her knees during squats and lunges. On the stationary bike, while Davis and Tyrie are pedaling as fast as they possibly can, Brooke is moseying along. Her trainer asks if she would like grapes and a fan on her bike.
"Everything that we have to do to get better, Brooke has a downgraded version of it," notes Stephen. "But the mountain's going to be the same. There's not going to be a Brooke mountain." Well put. I bet now they're not so happy about spending all that time getting wasted in the hot tub.
Meanwhile, Brooke is obsessing over PJ and Davis's relationship. She doesn't want PJ to think she wants to come between them. "I think that Davis wants this whole threesome thing to happen," Brooke says. In her opinion, he's never been so attracted to a girl in his life, and she thinks she might turn him straight. Apart from his occasional drama-mongering, I kinda like Davis, but his whole friendship with Brooke is definitely weird. Not that Colie or Jenn are exactly catches, but Brooke is a) crazy, b) a bitch, c) immature, d) has something really, really odd going on with her face and e) is lazy. In ten years she's going to be Gilbert Grape's mom, only less sympathetic. I can just see it.
Out on the town, Brooke continues to be sexually frustrated -- so much so that she grabs Tyrie and kisses him. At first he's a little shocked. "You're gonna get me in trouble," he tells her. Then: "I don't care; let's go." They start some serious spit-swapping.
This makes Davis a little uncomfortable, so he and PJ leave. Tyrie says he thinks Brooke is beautiful and very cool. "When she's not trippin'," he adds. I wonder when he's seen her not trippin' -- I guess MTV might have some footage of Brooke being a normal person, but ...
Plus, Brooke is slurring her words and her eyes are rolling back into her head, she's so drunk. She looks anything but beautiful. This cast is definitely the worst for getting trashed that I've seen in a long time. The Austin kids have got nothing on Denver.
Back at the house, Brooke grabs Davis and pulls him into the bathroom. "I didn't do anything," she insists to Davis. "I made out with him." PJ opens the door and somehow, some way, Davis's bits and pieces have made their way outside his fly.
"These people are weird," PJ laments. "I don't know where I am right now." In a gay man's hell, I'd imagine.
"I think that PJ is a little concerned that Davis is interested in me, and I think that bothers him a lot," Brooke notes. It'd bother me, too, but mostly because I'd really have to question Davis's sanity.
PJ thinks this whole thing is very, very odd, but he says he's not worried.
Then Brooke gives PJ what she thinks is sage advice (but it's actually all the alcohol talking): "You need to look out for yourself 100 percent. You cannot trust somebody to be your everything because as soon as you do, they will fuck you over. That's just how it goes. You come into this world alone, you leave alone, bottom line."
The next night Davis and PJ are at the Samba Room, celebrating PJ's last day there. Davis heard Brooke's conversation with PJ and is a little upset that his boyfriend has been told not to trust him. "I'm sorry that you walked in and thought something was going on with me and Brooke, but there is never going to be anything between me and Brooke, ever," Davis asserts. He tells PJ that Brooke is a drama queen who dreams up situations and then pretends they really exist.
Cut to making out in DIA and PJ making his way through security (which, oddly, doesn't seem to take him three hours).
Later, Davis gives Colie and Jenn the gossip about the Brooke/Tyrie make-out session and the drunken advice Brooke gave PJ. Colie's take: Brooke thinks Davis is her property. I think Colie could be right, Brooke is just crazy enough to believe that the gay guy is her secret boyfriend.
Then Davis, Stephen and Brooke are getting more physical therapy at the Colorado Athletic Club. Brooke starts to explain the situation between herself and Davis to their personal trainer. "We were best friends. I just don't know what happened. His boyfriend came into town and he tried to talk me into having a threesome with them and it just kind of ruined everything," she tells him.
I feel like sinking through the floor in sympathetic embarrassment with Davis. I mean, Brooke is making herself look like the dumbass here, no question about it -- but I would bitch-slap my friends if any of them ever said anything remotely like that to a complete stranger.
Then again, I don't make friends with people who would do that, so I'm safe.
Davis confronts Brooke about her conversation with PJ. "I said he couldn't trust anybody," Brooke argues, and not Davis specifically. Big fuckin' difference.
"It's just annoying," Davis complains in the confessional. "She just makes everything over the top, more dramatic than it has to be. She gets involved where she shouldn't be." Uh-oh, is Davis and Brooke's golden friendship headed for the rocks?
Then it's 5:30 a.m. and Brooke, Davis and Stephen have to climb a mountain.
"Brooke's complained all week about having to do things, but she can't get out of this one," Davis gloats. I can't blame him; I'd feel exactly the same way if one of my friends -- let alone a coworker -- was slacking off to Brooke's extent.
"Not only am I doing things that I hate, but I'm having to be told that this is my job," whines Brooke. Oh, boo-fucking-hoo, I have to go hike around in beautiful Colorado, I have all day to climb a mountain and it's going to be so haaaard! I feel so, so sorry for her.
After being on the trail for five minutes, Brooke wants a break.
"I don't feel good," complains Brooke.
"But you haven't felt good all week," Stephen points out. Translation: No one is going to feel sorry for you here, you dumb bitch.
Davis tells her she's complaining too much and Brooke says something snide in return. "Don't snap at me," Davis says.
"I'll snap at you as much as I want," Brooke retorts.
"Fuck you, bitch, don't snap at me."
"Don't you ever say that," Brooke commands, throwing her water on Davis. She's a smart one -- I mean, who needs water when hiking in an arid climate at 6,000-plus feet? "You're such a fucking ass, Davis." I say, it's about time Davis told Brooke where she could stick it.
"Don't go all Exorcist on me," says Davis. I can't help but crack up laughing. Brooke is definitely possessed by something -- and it's not common sense, that's for certain.
"You snap at people just because you feel like it," Davis continues, pointing out Brooke's hypocrisy. It's true: She can talk to people however she feels like it, but when her roommates return the favor, it's time for a Brooke Freak-Out Party. "You snap at Colie, you snap at Jenn. You're not going to snap at me."
Davis tells Brooke not to talk to him anymore, she responds in kind and he says it won't be difficult. He starts hiking off while Brooke has her meltdown.
Brooke is crying. She thinks Davis's blowup is all about PJ. I wonder: Aren't Brooke's parents therapists? How have a couple of therapists managed to raise such a belligerent, narcissistic daughter? "We need him to get through," Stephen tells Brooke. Davis has the map. Stephen whistles for him.
Stephen is pretty steamed. Brooke and Davis took 45 minutes to argue and cool down, he figures, and now Stephen can't find Davis. "That is pretty selfish of him," Brooke notes, acting all pissed off.
Brooke asks if they can't at least get something to eat. They've gone, what, 25 feet by this point? Of course it's time to stop for lunch! They eat some more Subway (hello, promotional dollars). Brooke has this look on her face that -- well, it can only be described as "hangdog." I look down at my dog and he gives me the same expression. I know it's mean -- but Brooke really does bear a striking resemblance to an Olde English Bulldog. For real. Look up some pictures if you need proof.
Then Brooke apologizes to Stephen for the outburst. What?! Brooke is taking a smidgen of responsibility?! I'm shocked.
Once they get to what they think is the summit, they call Chris. Then they find Davis, who was whistling for them as well. Brooke and Stephen had the cell phone, so Davis figured he had to cooperate with them. They make it to the summit, take their pictures and go back to Denver.
By that evening, Davis and Brooke are still not made up. "I know that I'm more than willing to go back to how it was, but I think Davis might be very upset with me," Brooke says. Well, perhaps you shouldn't have snapped at him or thrown water in his face when he tried to set some boundaries.
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SHOW ME HOW
Well, of course, they make up. They were both irritable, didn't want to climb the mountain, blah blah blah, they're best friends again. Brooke still can't believe, though, that Davis called her a "fucking bitch." "I'm not kidding, Davis, a man has never said that to me," Brooke asserts. Yeah. Right.
They go back to dancing and being all over each other. It's disgusting. I'm really, really happy when the episode closes.
But then ... Brooke and Davis pop up on the screen and introduce the new Road Rules episode. And I swear to you, Brooke either got a massive boob job -- we're talking at least two cup sizes -- or she's wearing the world's most effective push-up bra. Ew.
Next week: Will the cast finally make their way to Thailand (I really can't wait to see how Miss Priss Brooke reacts to a place that's not America)? Will they start corrupting young minds? Will Colie and Alex hook up again? Only one thing is guaranteed: Brooke will make an idiot of herself. She just can't help it. I'm almost willing to vote her the worst roommate in Real World history -- or, at least, since 1993 and Beth Stolarczyk. And if you know anything at all about Beth, you know that's saying something. -- Amber Taufen