Dear Stoner: I recently moved to the state and was denied the purchase of a firearm by a local dealer. I have no criminal record, and the only possible answer would be that the CBI is cross-checking the registry.
Dear Willie: With a huge rush on gun sales lately, you're probably not the only MMJ patient in a similar situation. So we sent your question over to the CBI, which tells us that "CBI does not cross-check the registry to conduct the background check for firearms purchases. I'm not sure why this person was denied, but this is not something we check as part of the background-check process." So apparently it isn't your medical ganja that worries them. Give it some thought: Did you recently order forty pounds of fertilizer or bulk crates of armor-piercing bullets to be delivered to your secluded compound in the mountains that you refuse to pay taxes on? [Cue spooky music.] If the answer is no, then the denial could be due to the several-month backlog and huge amount of pressure on the limited staff doing the checks. We suggest that you have a bowl, obsessively clean the guns you do own, and reapply in a few months.
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Dear Stoner: Your suggestion in the December 27 column that Kind Kid get his parents stoned, then feed them crackers secretly pasted with hot pepper in return for all the years of grief they gave him for smoking pot, was a buzzkill. William, you missed it. What a perfect opportunity to introduce parents — or anyone, for that matter — to the respectable pleasures of a good buzz and possibly foster a lifelong appreciable relationship. Spiking your parents' food to pay them back — really? Getting high was and is still illegal under federal law. Need we remind you, people are currently serving time in prison for possession of small amounts of marijuana. Having a federal prison record is not a good thing. The parents were doing what every respectable parent would do: encouraging their children to stay out of jail. People are still on the fence about the consequence of legalizing marijuana. Encouraging anyone to poison someone as a gag is unconscionable. This article is giving ammunition for the continued Prohibition.
Dear Serious: Here's my advice: Smoke a joint. It might help you find the sense of humor you've apparently lost somewhere along the way. Just beware of friends offering you Wheat Thins when you get hungry.