The only thing better than a teenage girl's body is a tan teenage girl's body. Lao Tzu said that, and it makes perfect sense if you think about it. Would you rather sleep with Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls or Lindsay Lohan in Herbie Fully Loaded? For Mean Girls, they sexed the little whore right up, whitened her teeth, padded her bra, gave her a tan. Herbie Fully Loaded was more of a family flick, so there was no need to tan the trollop for that one. They just gave viewers a bland, mildly attractive redhead and expected the whimsical adventure of a Volkswagen come to life to carry you through an hour and a half. Which it did, since you were not in the back of the movie theater getting all Pee-wee on that Herman; you were paying attention. Because Lohan wasn't tanned. And even though the correct answer to the original question is that you would rather curb-stomp Lindsay Lohan in a desolate barrio cul-de-sac than sleep with her, the point remains the same: Teenage girls look best bronzed.
So why are state senator Bob Hagedorn and state representative Anne McGihon -- aka Team Never Got Laid in High School -- trying to deprive us of tanned teens? Why are they trying to strip away the very essence of what makes America so great? What's next? Banning apple pie and corn on the cob? Putting an end to toddler beauty pageants and rodeos in which animals are abused for our enjoyment?
It's a slippery slope.
Hagedorn and McGihon -- aka Team Party's Over Everybody Out -- recently introduced a bill that, if passed, "prohibits the use of an artificial tanning device by a minor unless specifically prescribed by a physician." Say, if a physician fears your kid may die from being pale, a malady that has claimed so many Irish tweens. According to what I read of their proposal before I got bored and looked up Lindsay Lohan on www.imdb.com, the FDA considers ultraviolet radiation bad, the lawmakers think that artificial tanning can be as bad for your skin as tanning outdoors, blah, blah, blah, we've got a new governor so we need to look busy and make a good impression, quick, write a tanning bill, blah, blah, blah, melanoma. "We talk about cancer prevention, but skin cancer is not as highlighted as it should be in Colorado," comments McGihon. "If kids are given free rein, it's a health risk."
Still, Hagedorn and McGihon -- aka Team Will Somebody Please Sign My Yearbook -- is this really such a pressing matter?
VaNita Kravig doesn't think so. "I don't really see what the big deal is," says Kravig, who manages the At the Beach Tanning Salon in Englewood. "Anyone who is under eighteen has to have a parent sign off to allow them to tan, anyway. They can't just walk in and tan."
And while McGihon worries that kids can fake parental consent, teens aren't really flocking to tanning salons like crazed UV junkies, yearning for just one more taste of the fake sun. "Kids these days don't seem to be that into tanning," Kravig says. "Maybe before prom or something, but I estimate that about 10 percent or less of our clientele is underage."
Besides, Kravig explained, while the sun emits about 35 percent harmful UV-B radiation rays, most of the tanning beds at At the Beach and other salons emit about 6.5 percent. That means it's safer to be in a tanning bed than it is to be outside! Yet I didn't see either Hagedorn or McGihon line up last legislative session to co-sponsor the bill I introduced to destroy the sun -- a plan, I might add, that involved both rockets and chimpanzees.
In addition to being safer than the sun, salon tanning also offers numerous health benefits. People with psoriasis tan to help their ailment, as do people who need more vitamin D. Many people find that the heat from tanning beds alleviates back pain and stress, and it can even help clear up acne! But apparently Hagedorn and McGihon don't think that teens need acne relief -- which just shows how out of touch they are. That's right, voters, in addition to wanting to keep our teens pale, Hagedorn and McGihon also want them zit-faced. And that's just wrong. Not many people I know have logged on to www.barelylegalpaleacnedteens.com, even back when they had that Lindsay Lohan spread.
So, in conclusion, members of the 66th General Assembly of the State of Colorado, vote down Senate Bill 07-023, and vote it down hard. Let's send a message to Hagedorn and McGihon -- aka Team Probably Never Heard of What's So Funny Until an Intern Placed This Column in Front of Them -- and let them know that we like our teens bronzed and we like our teens beautiful.
Thank you, and God bless America.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Westword's biggest stories.
- Big Pot Grow in Routt National Forest an Environmental Hazard, Feds Say
Fri., Sep. 4, 7:00pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 12:00am
Sat., Sep. 5, 12:30pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 7:30pm
- Reader: Denver Is Safe Because Cops Will Crack Your F*cking Skull
- Saying Goodbye to 8 Denver-Area Restaurants, Hello to 21 New Ones