Dear Mexican: I wasn’t born in this country, but I got here as quickly as I could at the age of ten. I was born in Mexico and live in Houston, a city that is bursting at the seams with Mexicans and Latinos from every country south of the border. I think I have the solution to all this immigration debate. The lightbulb went on when I was attending a recent breakfast put on by big-time real-estate developers at a five-star hotel. They were pitching new communities being built in resort cities starting at a mere half a million dollars. So why not just annex Mexico? We make it easier for rich gabachos to go south with their money and create lots of jobs.
Dear Coconut: Isn’t that what NAFTA did?
Dear Mexican: Why is it that you guys pack yourselves eight deep in a pickup-truck cab that wouldn’t hold me, my huntin’ dog and my girlfriend, and then drive down the freeway slower than Canadian snowbirds lookin’ for Sun City? Almost makes me want to reach back and grab my deer rifle outta the rack!
Dear Gabacho: You do that, boy, and all those Mexicans will pour out of the camioneta and give you some good ol’-fashioned chingazos like we always do — and there’s your answer.
Dear Mexican: I’m going to graduate school for Mexican history, and I had a professor of Chicano studies call me a Mexicanist. Have you heard this term before? What does it mean?
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Dear Woman From Sonora: Yes, I’ve heard the term; it means your professor is an insecure pendejo.
Dear Mexican: I love your articles and would invite you to El Tepayac in Boyle Heights for a burrito, but I don’t have enough bus fare for the 47 family members you will probably bring along. But I need some love advice. I think I really fancy a Mexican lady who regularly recycles cans and bottles around my neighborhood. She’s like a seven out of ten, wears jeans and boots, and looks like she can really please the right kind of guy. I’m a middle-aged güero gabacho who isn’t unpleasant to look at. What should I say to make her bed me?
Blanco Con Huevos
Dear Whitey With Balls: Whisper “Soy un pendejito gabacho con verga de pulga y huevos de chavala,” and you’ll get what a fine gabacho like yourself deserves!