Delegating Denver #32 of 56: Nevada
Total Number of Delegates: 33 Pledged: 25 Unpledged: 8
How to Recognize a Nevada Delegate: Nevadans like to claim that their state was named for the Spanish word that means "covered in snow." This, of course, seems deliberately misleading to anyone who has visited Las Vegas during the summer (which starts in February and runs through December). In Spanish, the word nevada can also be translated as "snow job," to describe "a deception or concealment of one's real motive in an attempt to shake down tourists." The second definition is far more believable and can be supported with much evidence. For starters, 90 percent of all America's gold is mined in "The Silver State." (Alaska is the leader in the production of silver.) And then there are the alien conspiracy theories surrounding Area 51 that were created by the state tourism department, and perpetuated by the CIA, to cover up the trillions of dollars spent to buy stealthy, super-secret, hypersonic space planes to spy on imaginary enemies. When trying to identify Nevada delegates in Denver, just remember that as America's foremost deliberate misleaders, Nevadans can't help but become oxymoronic oddballs. And their deception will be further concealed by the natural split in state politics. By and large, northern Nevadans will look like college professors who are actually pro-life, and southern Nevadans will look like war veterans who are actually trade-union supporters. The all-inclusive giveaway will be that they all look slightly overdressed, as their summer wardrobes include light, solid-color sweaters needed to guard against the chill of Nevada's air-conditioned indoor climate.
Famous Nevadans: Paiute princess Sarah Winnemucca; UPS founder James E. Casey; the hardest-working first lady in U.S. history, Thelma "Pat" Nixon; tennis great (and staunch Democratic supporter) Andre Agassi; wholesome TV actress Dawn (Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island) Wells; holesome porn actress Jenna (Candy Suxxx, Up and Cummers 11) Jameson; NASCAR brothers Kurt "Asshole" Busch and Kyle "Shrub" Busch; Killers vocalist and keyboardist Brandon Flowers; Panic at the Disco bandmates Brendon Urie, Ryan Ross and Brent Wilson.
Famous Nevada Democrats: First Nevada native to be elected governor Emmet D. Boyle; former senator and Las Vegas International Airport namesake Pat McCarran; 24th United States Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.
Famous Nevadans With Denver Connections: Director of the Denver U.S. Mint from 1961-1969 Eva B. Adams; Modern Drunkard publisher and editor-in-chief Frank Kelly Rich; mainstream standup ventriloquist Dan McGowan; self-published kids’-book artist Steve T. Laws; Stan's Automotive mechanic Adrian Lucero.
State Nickname: The Silver State, The Mining State, The Battle Born State (official); The Brothel Born State, The Wallet-Mining State, California's Ugly Cousin, Land of the Lost Mormons (unofficial) Population: 2,495,529 Racial Distribution: 59% white, 8% black, 6% Asian, 2% Native American, 25% Hispanic Per Capita Personal Income: $31,266 Unemployment: 5.2%
RECOMMENDATIONS FOR THE NEVADA DELEGATION
Most Nevadan Denver Neighborhood: Goldsmith
Most Nevadan Bar: Rockbar 3015 East Colfax Avenue The clientele looks like it comes from Sparks but acts like the Rat Pack at the Sands Hotel circa 1960.
Most Southern Nevadan Restaurant: Downtown Aquarium 700 Water Street This place does to seafood what Las Vegas does to American culture. It's showtime!
Most Northern Nevadan Restaurant: Vesta Dipping Grill 1822 Blake Street This place captures all of the spirit of Burning Man without the gratuitous nudity.
Best Day Trip: Ward, Brainard Lake and Paiute Peak
For the independent-minded oddballs from the Silver State, the Centennial State may seem like a tourist trap run by robots. It is — but Colorado oddballs do exist off of the beaten path, which is fully accessible from your hotel (the Courtyard by Marriott Downtown). From Welton, turn right onto 17th Street, then turn right onto Broadway and right again onto 8th Avenue (which becomes U.S. highway 6). Stay on U.S. 6 through Golden and follow it up into the foothills, then make a right onto Colorado Highway 119. This is the Peak to Peak highway, Colorado's main street for strange. The first town on the tour is Black Hawk, which is overrun with Nevada casinos. Just skip it and drive on to Nederland. This town started as the milling site for the silver mines at Caribou, but it’s now famous for its Frozen Dead Guy Days Festival, commemorating the remains of Bredo Morstøl, a Norwegian corpse who has been packed in ice and intered in a garden shed since 1993. Farther north on Colorado Highway 119 is the old mining town of Ward, where one mining operation alone produced over 62 metric tons of silver from 1861 to 1898. Colorado's earliest known photograph of an (alleged) UFO was taken at the Ward Sawmill in April 1929. Today, weird Ward is home to a wide assortment of oddballs, most notably the schizophrenic homosexuals who like to chase tourists' cars through town while wearing dresses and brandishing swords. At Ward, turn onto the Brainard Lake Road (Forest Road 112) and follow it up past the lake, keeping to the right at all times. The road ends at a parking lot that serves as the trailhead for 13,223-foot Mt. Audubon. This short, easy hike leads to the picture-perfect panorama of the sawtooth-jagged range of the Indian Peaks, the nearest of which is Paiute Peak, named for the tribe that inhabited Nevada's Great Basin and whose most famous member, author Sarah Winnemucca, is honored in the National Statues Hall of the U.S. Capitol. Her book, Life Among the Paiutes: Their Wrongs and Claims, is an autobiographical account of her contact with Nevada's first settlers. Most historians now consider the book to be deliberately misleading. — Kenny Be
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