Yesterday, Denver made number fifteen on The Advocate's list of the Gayest Cities in America. But we need only to tell you (spoiler alert!) that Salt Lake City is ranked number one in order to convince you that our own status means nothing. Before you roll down the windows in your Prius, blast Lady Gaga and flock to There Urban Whiskey Bar to celebrate the city's victory, check out this second list -- ours -- running down the greatest flaws and biggest surprises of this list based on "totally accurate if decidedly subjective criteria." (Read: throwing darts at a map.)
Before you read through it and then object to most of the points inside of it, please note that even the list's creators joke about its credibility. (And in the first paragraph, no less.) And before you scour this list for how high San Francisco ranked, please note that this list is not for actual cities. No, it covers "less expected locales," a list that somehow includes Seattle.
These are the criteria. No, really.
Ten things worth noting about this half-baked rundown: 10. Seattle earns bigger clout for gay and brilliant writer Dan Savage living there, but his syndicated column, Savage Love, is also in Westword on a weekly basis. This means Denver is missing at least half a point.
9. According to the staff at The Advocate, Denver does not count as a metropolis.
8. Somehow we were beaten by both Grand Rapids, Michigan and Salt Lake City. Thank god we topped Eugene, Oregon, though. Because that would be embarrassing.
7. Did we mention that Salt Lake City made number one?
6. Apparently, Utah's gay mecca includes at least six entire "hot spots for men and women," which is clearly what pushed it an entire fourteen spots past us.
5. Fortunately, Denver does have nude yoga.
4. If we had a WNBA team or more International Mr. Leather competition semifinalists, we would likely have ranked higher. Those are actual judging criteria -- we're not lying.
3. Here you can spend your days "skiing, fishing, hunting, or camping with the fit locals," all of which rank on The Advocate's gaydar. So Denver is basically the cowboy in the Village People.
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2. Other than a few clubs that can be found by Googling "gay Denver" (seriously, we tried), our 85-word blurb includes none of the city's notable gay culture. (Eight of those words are devoted to bashing Colorado Springs.)
1. What the hell is "camping of another sort"? Somehow, that did not make it on Westword's 2011 sex survey.
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