In recent years, the Denver Police Department has regularly used its Facebook page to share what are essentially dumb criminal stories — tales of scofflaws busted for minor offenses or less serious crimes, often due to their own stupidity.
For the latest batch, however, the term "dumb criminals" didn't seem to do the trick — at least not nearly as well as "douchebags" does.
You'll see what we mean after checking out the ten photo-illustrated Denver police accounts below.
STOP & SMELL THE FLOWERS, BUT DON'T CUT THEM....
Monday, May 23, 2016, Denver Police District 6 officers responded to the 1400 block of N. Gaylord Street on a report of a burglary. The officers’ investigation revealed that the suspect, 38-year-old Cybil Lucero, unlawfully entered the occupied residence. Lucero then took scissors from the victim’s kitchen and used them to cut flowers from the garden at the residence. The nanny was at the home at the time and confronted the suspect. The suspect exited the house but remained on the property until the victim arrived home and also confronted the suspect. The responding officers located the suspect in a garage in the 2200 block of E. Colfax Avenue. Still in her possession were the stolen flowers and scissors. Lucero was positively identified by the victim and arrested for burglary.
SIR, THERE'S SOME HOUSE ON YOUR TRUCK
Early Saturday morning, April 30, 2016, Denver Police District 4 officers responded to the 00 block of N. Vrain Street on a report of a vehicle versus house hit and run crash. It appeared the suspect lost control and ran into the side of the house, knocking a large hole in the wall. The suspect then backed up and fled the scene. The suspect vehicle was described as a black pick-up truck. Later, Officer Young saw a black pick-up truck in the area of 1st Avenue and Knox Court. The truck had a flat tire and heavy front-end damage, with dirt, grass and siding from a house sticking out from under it. The officer conducted a traffic stop and identified the suspect driver as a 16-year-old male who appeared to be driving under the influence. The suspect was cited for the crash and held for DUI.
YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN’T SWIM
On Thursday, April 28, 2016, Denver Police — District 6 officers responded to a call for help. BNSF Rail Officers were in a foot pursuit of a wanted man. The suspect jumped into the S. Platte River, and when officers arrived on scene, the suspect was clinging to a tree stump in the middle of the river. Denver Fire and Paramedics responded and performed a water rescue. The suspect, 34-year-old Shawn Brandon, was rescued and arrested on his felony warrant.
3 FOR 1 TRAFFIC STOP
Saturday, May 21, 2016, Gang Unit officers were on patrol in the area of 26th Avenue and N. Lafayette Street when they saw a vehicle fail to signal for a turn. The officers observed the suspect driver fail to signal several more times and then conducted a traffic stop. One of the passengers, 23-year-old Raymond Sutherland, was wearing gloves and had his face concealed with a hat. In plain view, at Sutherland’s feet, was a revolver. Sutherland is a convicted felon and he was arrested for possession of a weapon by a previous offender. The suspect driver, 25-year-old Christopher Butler, was charged with driver under restraint and the second passenger, 23-year-old Danielle Mendez, was arrested on a warrant. During an inventory search of the vehicle, officers also recovered a second gun.
BAIT BIKE REELS IN 2 AT ONCE
Wednesday, May 11, 2016, Denver Police District 6 officers deployed a bait bicycle in the 2100 block of Lawrance Street. Late in the evening, officers were alerted that the bike was in motion. A suspect, 46-year-old Anthony Romero, was seen by HALO cameras tampering with the bicycle, but he was struggling to cut the lock with a pocket knife. Officers staged in the area were ready to arrest the suspect, once he successfully removed the bike. After a bit, a second suspect, 51-year-old Robert Aragon, who was unknown to the first suspect, walked past and saw that the first suspect was struggling with the lock. The second suspect stopped, pulled a pair of wire cutters from his backpack and helped cut the cable lock, which freed the bike from the pole. The two suspects then began fighting over the bait bike, tugging it back and forth, and trying to wrestle it from each other. Officers converged on the scene, and arrested both suspects, both of whom were in possession of burglary tools.
Continue for more stories about douchebags from the Denver Police Department.
YOU CAN'T TAKE THOSE TO COURT....
Tuesday, April 19, 2016, Denver Police District 6 officers responded to the Lindsey-Flannigan Courthouse on a report of a person with a weapon. The juvenile suspect’s backpack was brought into the courthouse by his guardian, and when it was put through the security scanning system, they found that it contained a revolver, two spent shell casings, four live rounds and two bottles of prescription drugs that were not in the suspect’s name. The suspect, who has three prior felony convictions, was arrested for possession of a weapon by a previous offender and possession of a controlled substance.
D6 NABS MAN WITH A MACHETE ON THE RUN
Tuesday morning, April 26, 2016, Denver Police District 6 officers responded to the area of Colfax Avenue and Broadway Street on a report of a suspect acting highly erratic and waving a large knife. When the officers located the suspect, 37-year-old Victor Moretta, he began running. A foot chase ensued and officers were able to catch up with the suspect. During the chase, the suspect dropped a backpack which contained a large, black machete that had blood on it. Officers began searching the area and located the victim sitting in the area, with a large laceration to his head. Through the officers’ investigation, they learned that the victim was walking on the sidewalk towards Lincoln from Broadway Street when the suspect approached him and began striking the victim with the machete without provocation. The suspect then gathered his belongings and began walking away from the scene. The suspect was arrested for aggravated assault.
12 BALLOONS & A PAIR OF BRASS KNUCKLES
Tuesday, April 26, 2016, Denver Police District 1 officers were on patrol in the area of W. Colfax Avenue and N. Kalamath Street when the saw two males sitting in the area. The area is well-known for its narcotics use and sale. The officers contacted the males and noticed that one of them was in possession of brass knuckles. The suspect, 23-year-old Junior Ramirez-Torrez, was taken into custody for possession of an illegal weapon. As officers were searching him prior to his arrest, Ramirez-Torrez was also found in possession of 12 packaged balloons of suspected heroin.
Early Friday morning, April 22, 2016, Denver Police District 6 officers responded to a night club in the 1900 block of Blake Street on a report of an assault. The suspect, 29-year-old Crystal Aragon, was being escorted out of the night club for fighting when she assaulted an employee. As the officers were speaking with the suspect, she assaulted the victim again, using her high-heeled shoes to hit him in the face. The suspect then attempted to flee on foot. Officers were able to take her into custody and she was arrested for assault.
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SHOW ME HOW
ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER POWPO [Possession of a weapon by a previous offender]
On Wednesday, April 27, 2016, Denver Police District 1 officers responded to the 3400 block of Park Avenue West on a report of a woman with a handgun menacing a man. The man fled the scene prior to officers’ arrival, but they were still able to locate the suspect. She was identified as 33-year-old Kayteanen Elwess. Elwess is a convicted felon and was concealing a handgun in her sweatshirt. Elwess was arrested for possession of a weapon by a previous offender and the handgun was found to be stolen in 2014.