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Denver's Most Dogged: Kenny Be knows dog-lovers and what they want

Denver's Most Dogged: Kenny Be knows dog-lovers and what they want

In this week's Westword, Kenny Be draws "Denver's Most Dogged" -- a breakdown of the city's rabid dog-lovers. After dividing the dog-lovers into six types -- from Petrosexuals to Dogvocates -- he outlines their every desire.

Click through to see where you and your dog fit in ...

Who They Are

Even though the city estimates that it has a population of over 177,000 dogs, there are only six types of dog owners ...

Denver's Most Dogged: Kenny Be knows dog-lovers and what they want

#1 of 6: The Petrosexuals

Reason for having a dog: As an aid in meeting a mate, for practice child rearing

Characteristics: Dog park birthday parties, always picking hair from clothes and face

Breed preference: Labs, Retrievers

Name choice: Cool names -- Ajax, Styx, Ida, Echo

Favorite Accessory: Bandanna

Poop pick-up percentage: 100%. Will carry extra poop bags for socializing purposes, will pick up abandoned poops to win favorable dog-walking dates

Denver's Most Dogged: Kenny Be knows dog-lovers and what they want

#2 of 6: The Sublimatriarch

Reason for having a dog: As a substitute for having children, to silence biological time clock

Characteristics: Receives daily email updates from dog daycare, features recent dog photos on screensaver

Breed preference: Terriers or Beagles, always in pairs

Name choice: Larger than life human names -- Elvis, Elton, Gandhi, Hillary, Sonny, Cher

Favorive accessory: Dog walker's fanny pack

Poop pick-up percentage: 110%. Rarely caught bagless, will drive back to scene to pick up accidents

Denver's Most Dogged: Kenny Be knows dog-lovers and what they want

#3 of 6: The Lifestyler

Reason for having a dog: A companion to share and show off personal style

Characteristics: Sips lattes and talks on iPhone while walking dog on downtown streets

Breed preference: Mid-sized hybrids rescued from shelters with elaborate adoption procedures

Name choice: Granny names -- Lulu, Sadie, Abby, Ruby

Favorite accessory: Matching drapes and dog bed, or anything from girlandadog.com

Poop pick-up percentage: 91%. Always carries bags, but has an occasional multi-tasking mishap

Denver's Most Dogged: Kenny Be knows dog-lovers and what they want

#4 of 6: The Dogvocate

Reason for having a dog: Believes it is her role to rescue suffering and unloved animals

Characteristics: Provides foster home care for hard-to-place pets, speaks at dog park meetings, writes letters to editors, knits for dogs

Favorite breed: Anything from the shelter that is leaking, flaking or missing parts

Name choice: Ironic action names -- Spunky, Tug, Jitterbug

Favorite accessories: Stitches, neck cones

Poop pick-up percentage: 100%. Always picks up poop but leaves the poop bag on the lawn for homeowners to toss in the trash

Denver's Most Dogged: Kenny Be knows dog-lovers and what they want

#5 of 6: The Cro-Magnon

Reason for having a dog: As a substitute for the complexities of human relationships

Characteristics: Won't call off his dog when it plays rough or humps other dogs or kids

Breed preference: Any mutt/pit bull mix

Name choice: Droll boy names -- Bob, Jack, Jack, Sam, Joe

Favorite accessories: Beer-flavored rawhide chews, peanut butter balls

Poop pick-up percentage: 0%. Believes that dog shit is the perfect fertilizer for city lawns

Denver's Most Dogged: Kenny Be knows dog-lovers and what they want

#6 of 6: The Tourist

Reason for having a dog: Best friend

Characteristics: Talks to dog in baby talk, refers to self as Mummy (or Daddy), refers to dog as my little girl (or boy), always carries dog from place to place in a bag or purse

Favorite breed: The Louis Vuitton purse pup

Name choice: Anything that is sugary sweet --Twinky, Tinkerbell, Butterbean, Booboo

Favorite accessory: Reversible Burberry coat and cap

Poop pick-up percentage: 100%. Typically while asking, "Twinky have a wittle pwesent for Mummy?"

What They Want ...

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click image to enlarge

Dog-crazy Denverites do not like fenced dog parks! As seen in the illustration above, what they really want is for the Denver Parks Department to build the fences around the dogless human activities and to declare all city parks as off-leash dog areas.

Denver's Most Dogged: Kenny Be knows dog-lovers and what they want

Dog lovers are also pushing the Denver Parks Department to purchase the Elitch Gardens Amusement part and retrofit the rides to simulate country drives and swimming experiences for inner-city dogs.

click image to enlarge
click image to enlarge

Due to complaints from equestrians and birdwatchers, Colorado State Parks now plans to fence the off-leash dog areas at Chatfield and Cherry Creek State Parks and charge an extra dog entry fee! Off-leash activists are demanding instead that these state parks be partitioned (and paid for) equally among equestrian, the dogless, and off-leash user groups.

Denver's Most Dogged: Kenny Be knows dog-lovers and what they want

As taxpayers, dog walkers do not want to pay extra taxes or fees for their lifestyle choice and would prefer that dog park improvements be paid for by the advertising sales on poop-bag dispensing station signage.


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