Today, the Colorado State Senate gave its approval to a bill that would do away with Colorado sex laws that date back to the '50s.
To be more specific: the 1850s.
Yep, legislation now headed to the desk of Governor John Hickenlooper (who's expected to sign it) is designed to wipe from the books statutes whose roots stretch back more than a century and a half. What exactly would it do -- and allow you to do? We've photo-illustrated the details below.
The current statute cited in House Bill 13-1166, shared below in its entirety, reads: "Any sexual intercourse by a married person other than with that person's spouse is adultery, which is prohibited."
That means anyone who cheated on his or her betrothed since the period prior to the Civil War wasn't only acting like an asshole. No, they were also breaking the law in Colorado, before the territory had even graduated to statehood! Granted, no one's been prosecuted for this offense in a very long time. Otherwise, a lot of us, and our parents, would have spent significant time in the hoosgow.
As a bonus, the repeal frees up the Hickenloopers, who are currently separated, to exercise their prerogatives before their divorce is finalized without fear of the Booty-Call Police fitting them with handcuffs.
Not that we're suggesting they'd engage in extra-curricular behavior before their split is made permanent. Or that they'd enjoy wearing handcuffs....
How do you promote sexual immorality? Well, it's a bit like promoting a concert for sexy rock stars, in that somebody's going to get laid, but it won't be you.
The first part of the statute reads, "Any person who, for pecuniary gain, furnishes or makes available to another person any facility, knowing that the same is to be used for or in aid of sexual intercourse between persons who are not husband and wife...commits promoting sexual immorality."
In other words, any hotel owner who rents a room to certain twosomes wanting to have sex is, under current Colorado law, a variation on a pimp -- profiting from improper sex while helping to coarsen the nation's morality. And we're not just talking about adultery here. The law also gets an innkeeper in trouble if the couple in question has not yet tied the knot.
Getting married the next day? Still terribly, terribly wrong -- for now.
Also verboten under the "promoting sexual immorality" language is "any person who, for pecuniary gain, furnishes or makes available to another person any facility...in aid of deviate sexual intercourse, or who advertises in any manner that he furnishes or is willing to furnish or make available any such facility for such purposes, commits promoting sexual immorality."
And what exactly is "deviate sexual intercourse"? Well, in Oregon, according to this website, it's "sexual conduct between persons consisting of contact between the sex organs of one person and the mouth or anus of another," which covers a lot of territory.
But we're thinking 1850s standards were probably even tougher -- as in, any sex not conducted in the missionary position between married couples strictly for the purposes of procreation would put the participants on an express train to hell
And don't even get us started on threesomes. Or foursomes. Or fivesomes. Or....
These rules seem ridiculous in 2013? Maybe -- but the votes in favor of getting rid of them weren't unanimous. As pointed out by Fox31, the Senate count was 23-10, with only three Republicans voting in favor of the bill.
Moreover, Senator Kevin Lundberg -- who last year pitched a proposal that would have made it harder for parents to divorce -- argued passionately against the repeal. In his words, "Laws to uphold moral standards are just as important in the 21st century."
No word about whether he's thinking about writing legislation for next session to impose mandatory castration as a masturbation cure. But if he does, we're safe. We swear!
Here's the complete bill.
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More from our Politics archive: "Photos: 'Pro marriage' supporters protest civil union bill at State Capitol."