Disasters That May Yet Befall Troy Tulowitzki
Poor number two. The Rockies’ shortstop, who last season seemed to be the second coming of the double play, has so far this year been hounded by injuries both unlucky and unwise. First it was his torn tendon that took him out of play for nearly fifty games -- and more recently, he cut open his hand on a busted bat that he was pounding into the dirt in frustration.
Bad luck? For sure. But is it over? Consulting the magic 8-ball, the answer is… ask again later. But that’s a fucking cop-out, so here are a few wild guesses in which things could get worse for Tulo.
*He may fall prey once again to the curse of the maple, which is apparently bad for Tulo. Could it be that it’s like kryptonite to Superman? First the bat, sure, but what comes next? Choking on Aunt Jemima syrup? Hit by a puck at a Leafs game? Lost in the Canadian woods? The list of potential maple-related pitfalls goes on and on.
*His batting walk-up song, "Gimme More," will come to be a liability when original artist Britney Spears reveals that the lyrics are actually about the Rockies’ rival, the Arizona Diamondbacks.
*After losing to Ryan Braun for 2007 Rookie of the Year, he may also lose to Braun in the race for a Wheaties-box placement, further eroding his confidence. This may cause Tulo to switch from Wheaties, the breakfast of champions, to Frosted Flakes, the breakfast of not giving a shit.
*The pines in Tulo’s backyard might fall victim to beetlekill, turn red, lose their needles, and fail to inspire him to stay with the Rockies ballclub. He could ask to be traded, end up being farmed out to the Australian Provincial Team, and befall an illogical and prolonged fate upon boarding Oceanic Flight 815.
*Tulo may miss Coors Field announcer Alan Roach too, too much, and start stalking him, hounding Roach to just say “Troooooooy Tuuulooowiiitzkiiiiiiii!” one more time. Tulo may be arrested, booked, jailed, and then strangled in the commissary by Vince Chowdhury because he didn’t move through the Jell-o line quickly enough.
*Might sell the sponsorship rights for his next triple-play to Comcast, thereby angering the baseball gods, who are fickle, mysterious, and really a bunch of bitches sometimes, considering the examples set by both the end of The Natural and the Rockies rocky start this season.
*Fans may suddenly realize that there’s another, perhaps more common meaning to the phrase “Go number two! Go number two!”
But let’s hope not. -- Teague Bohlen
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Westword's biggest stories.