Drama is the Name of the Game

I have many questions for the cast of The Real World, but this one is the most pressing: What are you going to do for the season finale? An orgy? Animal sacrifice? Mass murder? I can't think of anything else that could possibly top their performances in the past three episodes.

But before we begin to pick apart the drama-fest that was Episode 4, it is only fair to note some of MTV's editing discontinuities. Such as mentioning Reggae on the Roof and going to Vinyl, then suddenly showing up at Monarch. Or allegedly walking toward the Rock Bottom Brewery, when anyone can see that they are headed away from that particular venue. Past Real Worlders have complained that MTV takes events out of their chronological sequence; now we can make note of the extent to which the editors are willing to tweak reality.

That being said, it is conceivable that the events we witnessed last night were taken completely out of context, or perhaps we didn't see something crucial to the "plot," as it were. But even if we did miss something, that doesn't excuse the behavior that wasn't even worthy of junior high. The cast was at the second- or third-grade level.

Remember the game "telephone" that you played in kindergarten? The one where you sit in a circle and one person whispers a sentence to the person on their right, who repeats what they think they heard to the person on their right, and so on until you've made it all the way around? Then everyone can marvel at how twisted the original message got. That is the best analogy I can come up with for the insanity that took place in this episode.

This week, the drama was all about Stephen, Tyrie and Davis. It didn't take those three very long to get their adult card revoked. Now the only "mature" person in the house is Brooke since the only questionable thing she's done so far is make out with Jenn of the Painted on Eyebrows. While out with his roomies, Davis got drunk. Actually, he was beyond drunk. He was at the level of drunkenness that many of us only achieve once or twice in a lifetime. Understandably, Davis left the bar before his other roommates and walked home to call his boyfriend (stumbling all the while). He professes his love and says he wants to marry him. No drama so far, right?

Wrong. Somehow, Stephen gets called the N-word. And somehow, I'm still not quite sure how, he believes that this interaction is Davis's fault -- despite the fact that Davis was nowhere nearby. "I think it's unfair for somebody to just leave," Stephen opines irately. "How can Davis just leave?" Um, how about because he's an adult and he was hammered?

Anyhoo, Stephen's encounter with racism is clearly Davis's responsibility. Stephen tells Tyrie what happened to him and out comes Tyrie's alter ego, Leroy Jenkins, which describes as the Incredible Hulk. How great: Two split personalities on this show — remember, Alex is also Mr. Emo. So while Davis lounges in the hot tub, "Jenkins" goes ape shit on him. Davis, you may remember, is too drunk to have any clue what's happening. He hasn't the foggiest why Tyrie is so upset. And he's way too drunk for anybody to explain it to him. Tyrie menaces Davis, at one point pulling off his shirt and cracking his neck as if preparing to brawl. Davis thinks this could all perhaps be a joke, so he giggles and smiles at Tyrie. This, of course, makes Tyrie even angrier. "It's a yes or no! Did you leave him?!" Tyrie thunders and then explains he's talking to Davis "like a man." Uh, no. For some footage, check out this clip.

Tyrie storms out of the room and punches the garage door, displaying all the maturity of a thirteen-year-old on steroids. Colie tries to calm down her "teddy bear," but nothing doing; Tyrie is more than pissed off at this "N'Sync, Backstreet-Boy lookin' bitch," as he labels Davis.

At this point, Davis is understandably confused and upset. All he knows is that Tyrie is pissed off at him for no reason he can fathom. He has gone from being, as Colie puts it, the drunk Davis who "kisses every girl" to the drunk Davis who "is scary and mad at the world." (How many split personalities will we see on this show, anyway?) He starts muscling in on Tyrie, begging the behemoth to just go ahead and punch him in the face.

Now alternate reality intervenes. Tyrie, all of a sudden, says in a very affronted tone: "I don't start messing with anybody." Really, Tyrie? That's not what it looked like to us. Stephen's opinion is that Tyrie was merely "protecting the sovereignty of this house." Huh?

Still, Davis completely loses his shit and starts yelling in Tyrie's face: "You hit me right now! You hit me right now!" He says he would rather die than live in a house with someone who wanted to hit him, maybe even kill him in his sleep. And then Davis calls both Tyrie and Stephen the N-word. Talk about coming full circle.

Davis decides he wants to go home, and a Real World producer appears to calm the situation and take Davis to a hotel for the night.

The next morning, Davis comes back to the house to apologize and announce that he will not be staying in Denver. Stephen -- who earlier noted that Davis "says he's a Christian, but he's gay and he just called us by the N-word" -- decides to forgive Davis. How noble of Stephen. I would suggest, however, that perhaps Stephen ought to crack open that Bible he thinks so highly of every once in a while, and perhaps meditate on verses such as "Judge not that you be judged" or even the story about casting the first stone. Stephen thinks that Davis, being from the South, really might be racist. Fair enough, Stephen, but you are clearly a raging homophobe, so that doesn't leave much room for you to point the finger, does it?

Tyrie thinks that Davis tried to incite the situation so that Tyrie would get kicked off the show. (Got that?) He is irate until Davis pulls out the Mel-Gibson card: "I have a drinking problem." Tyrie thinks it's very big of Davis to share such personal information, and he decides to forgive him after "that big-ass talk," as Tyrie puts it.

Alex seems to disagree with Davis's assertion that he's got a drinking problem. "I think he just needs more experience going out," Alex shrugs. Although Alex's drinking has caused more drama in the house so far than anybody else's alcohol problem, he sees no irony in this statement. I think that maybe Alex needs more experience being a human adult.

Finally, here are the new scores for anybody following the Worst Roommate For Your Liver contest:

Davis: 22 sips and 3 1/2 chugs (six sips for using profanity on-screen, six sips for being clearly drunk on-screen, four sips for raising his voice to another roommate, six sips for calling Tyrie and Stephen an inappropriate racial slur, three chugs for saying he wants to go home, and we'll give him half a chug for almost getting physical with Tyrie).

Stephen: 3 sips (one sip for talking shit about Davis behind his back, two sips for using profanity on-screen).

Tyrie: 22 sips and 1/2 chug (two sips for talking shit about Davis behind his back, six sips for using profanity on-screen, eight sips for raising his voice to another roommate, six sips for talking shit about Davis to his face, and half a chug for almost getting into a fight with Davis).

Brooke: 0 sips/chugs

Jenn: 0 sips/chugs

Alex: 0 sips/chugs

Colie: 0 sips/chugs

This week's worst roommate for your liver: Davis!!

And the overall liver-damage score card ...

Davis: 22 sips/3 1/2 chugs

Tyrie: 22 sips/1/2 chugs

Jenn: 18 sips and 1 chug.

Colie: 16 sips

Alex: 13 sips, 1 chug

Brooke: 3 sips and 1 chug

Stephen: 3 sips/0 chugs

Davis is the new cumulative winner, with Tyrie hot on his tail. This could be a close call by the end of the season ...

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