Football Fanatics, Arise

Now that football season has kicked us in the butt and the state's major teams, with the exception of Colorado's Buffaloes, have jumped out to good starts, it's time for readers to test their knowledge of local gridiron history -- and to predict the future. Herewith the Official Colorado Football Fanatic Quiz. Kindly mark your answers clearly with a No. 2 pencil or a drop of Coors:

1. On Friday nights this fall in Boulder, University of Colorado students will be most likely to
a. sing fight songs at the big pep rally.
b. get drunk.
c. drop acid.
d. set the Pearl Street Mall on fire.

2. Broncos quarterback Brian Griese's big problem is
a. insufficient arm strength.
b. insufficient funds for this transaction.
c. inability to play well with others.
d. inability to spell his name J-O-H-N E-L-W-A-Y.

3. On Friday nights this fall in Fort Collins, Colorado State University students will be most likely to
a. sing fight songs at the big pep rally.
b. go square dancing.
c. get drunk.
d. practice animal husbandry.

4. After retiring from professional football, Broncos tight end Shannon Sharpe will make a great
a. TV sports commentator.
b. U.S. senator.
c. street mime.
d. brown-rice casserole.

5. On Friday nights this fall in Colorado Springs, Air Force Academy cadets will be most likely to
a. sing fight songs at the big pep rally.
b. do their astrophysics homework.
c. get drunk.
d. strafe Utah.

6. The name of the new Broncos stadium is
a. Invesco Field at Mile High.
b. Mile High Playpen at 20th and Federal.
c. The Bowlen Bowl at Invesco Park.
d. completely irrelevant.

7. The most successful head coach in Colorado State football history is
a. Sonny Sixkiller.
b. Sonny Bono.
c. Sonny Rollins.
d. Sonny Corleone.

8. In view of their long history of problems with the law and their recent recruiting party violations, involving pot, booze and half-dressed coeds, some CU football players would do well to
a. go square dancing.
b. sing fight songs at the big pep rally.
c. transfer to Air Force.
d. transfer to Brigham Young.

9. When ex-Broncos linebacker Bill Romanowski returns to Denver November 11 as an Oakland Raider, Denver fans are most likely to
a. shower him with rose petals.
b. beg for his autograph.
c. pelt him with illegally obtained pharmaceuticals.
d. poison his meatloaf.

10. The most famous Bronco of them all is
a. John Elway.
b. Floyd Little.
c. registered to O.J. Simpson.
d. kicking down his stall at the National Western Stock Show.

11. This year's CU Buffaloes strike unspeakable terror into
a. the Nebraska Cornhuskers.
b. the Pearl Street Mall.
c. the Boulder Police Department.
d. Edna Cluckey, proprietor of Edna's All-You-Can-Eat Buffet, in Lawrence, Kansas.

12. The most beloved college football mascot in Colorado is
a. Ralphie the Buffalo, CU.
b. Cam the Ram, CSU.
c. Donald Rumsfeld, Air Force.

13. The most successful head coach in Broncos history is
a. Lou Saban.
b. Red Miller.
c. Dan Reeves.
d. John Elway.

14. After suffering his third concussion in thirteen months against San Diego State on September 7, CU quarterback (and history major) Craig Ochs turned to his teammates on the sideline and said
a. "Excuse me; that must be my cell phone."
b. "Why are we all dressed alike?"
c. "In a bloody prelude to the Norman Conquest of England, the armies of King Harold II and Duke William of Normandy met October 14, 1066, at the Battle of Hastings. Delayed all summer long by unfavorable winds, Duke William and his men were finally able to cross the treacherous English Channel while Harold was otherwise engaged in Northern England, giving an ass-whipping to a Norwegian invasion force.

Exhausted and depleted upon their return south, Harold's army was routed when William's linebackers -- er, lancers -- swept Harold's weary axmen from a strong hilltop position. Harold lost big on his home field and got himself killed in the process. Therefore he was unable to drop acid and sing fight songs at the next big pep rally."

15. The saddest thing about Terrell Davis's retirement is that
a. in his all-too-brief, four-year prime, the man ran for 6,400 yards, scored 56 touchdowns and led the Broncos to two Super Bowl wins. There will never be another like him.
b. he fell three short of the NFL record for media interviews in which a player claims to be feeling much better, thank you, and pledges to be back at full strength very soon.
c. someone else will have to tend the Gatorade jug.

16. The Colorado football program's most illustrious alum is
a. Byron "Whizzer" White, future lawyer and U.S. Supreme Court Justice.
b. Kordell Stewart, future Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback and wide receiver.
c. Ray Carruth, future girlfriend-murderer and penitentiary inmate.

17. The most notable play in Broncos history is
a. The Drive: John Elway leads his team the length of the field for a last-minute, conference-clinching victory over the Cleveland Browns.
b. The Fumble: Cleveland's Ernest Byner coughs up the pigskin, ensuring another Broncos trip to the Super Bowl.
c. The Dive: Brian Griese has 123 drinks, then falls on his face in Terrell Davis's driveway.

18. The way things are going, the Air Force Falcons are probably headed in the post-season for
a. the Holiday Bowl.
b. the Citrus Bowl.
c. Iraq.


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