Dear Mexican: My fiancé is trying to learn Spanish so he can speak to my grandmother when we get married next month. Lately he's been listening to CNN en Español to get an ear for the language. After several weeks of watching the channel, he noticed that there are always chickens clucking in the background of the commercials. He wants to know: "What's up with the chickens?" and "Is worshiping chickens a Mexican thing?"
Dear Wabette: Does your gabacho not speak English, either? Can't he ask the Mexican a question on his own? Not only that, but your gabacho is either a liar or mistakenly tuned into the Rural Farm Network for his Spanish lessons. I see CNN en Español and have never once heard chicken clucks during a commercial. In fact, the only time I can recall hearing chickens in the background of any program is when gabacho talk-show hosts rant about Mexicans. That sound-clip cliché isn't used exclusively for Mexicans, though: Entertainers have associated chickens with the poor since the days of vaudeville, and even famed reporter Borat Sagdiyev unleashed a chicken on unsuspecting New Yorkers in his recent documentary, to hilarious results. As for the chicken-worship question, your gabacho is wrong again: The Mexican reverence toward gallus domesticus is reserved for the gallo giro, the fighting cock. Rural Mexicans treat their hens as they treat their women -- as purveyors of breasts, eggs and little else.
Dear Mexican:Why do spics and Micks get along so well? Is it because both races are drunk, fornicating, degenerate Catholics?
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Dear Mick: Get your racial slurs correct. Mexicans are wabs, not spics. Otherwise, you nailed it on the cabeza, cabrón. And the similarities don't end there. The Irish were the Mexicans of the U.S. before the Mexicans. Millions migrated to this country destitute, as indentured servants (the precursor to the braceros) and even as illegals. They fled a homeland under siege by evil Protestants -- only to find similar treatment here. Gabachos maligned them for their Catholicism, their funny English, their big families and their constant inebriation, stereotypes popularized by the mainstream press. The Irish fought back by forming gangs and voting blocs, and hundreds defected to the Mexican side in the 1846 Mexican-American War.
But the Irish in America, to paraphrase Noel Ignatiev, eventually became white, while Mexicans will forever remain Mexicans to gabachos. Nonetheless, the connection continues. I know many children of Irish-Mexican heritage who call themselves leprecanos -- a miscegenation of "leprechaun" and "Chicano." Many Irish-American civic organizations support amnesty for illegals (about 50,000 Irish immigrants have no papers). Mexico and Ireland have harsh laws against illegal immigration and must always deal with their idiot cousins, Guatemala and Northern Ireland. And gabachos have warped our St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo holidays into bacchanals of booze and women. (On second thought, that's a compliment.) Our races are brothers in depravity, so let's unite and throw the gabachos down the well, ¿qué no?