Dear Mexican: I just read that Speedy Gonzales is getting his own feature film and will be voiced by George Lopez. I read in the Hollywood Reporter that Lopez said he gave Speedy his "Latino Seal of Approval." Who grants this seal? What does it look like, and how did Lopez get it?
Hija of the MiscegeNation
Dear Wabette: Isn't it nice to know that Mexicans in Hollywood, once they reach a modicum of success, are as hackish and hackneyed as their gabacho counterparts? Sorry to sound so whiny, but shame on Lopez for bringing back Gonzales. For starters, only Mel Blanc and his imitators are allowed to voice Speedy — Lopez's gravelly sound will turn the mouse's high-pitched voice into a cacophonous bola de caca. Lopez also shows that, by resurrecting Speedy from the celluloid graveyard, he'd rather rip off the works of others than try to give young Latino talent a chance, the way Sandra Bullock gave Lopez a shot with his eponymous sitcom so long ago — way to pay it forward, George! Finally, the assurances by Lopez and his wife that their Speedy film won't showcase the "racist" Speedy proves not only that the two are PC pendejos, but pendejos, period. As the Mexican has written before in this columna, Speedy Gonzales cartoons were not racist depictions of Mexican culture, but rather clever allegories in which the seemingly dumb Speedy — standing in for mexicanos — consistently outwitted the dumb gabachos portrayed by Sylvester the Cat and, occasionally, Yosemite Sam. You want stereotypical depictions of Mexicans? Tune into Lopez Tonight and just try to stay awake past the opening monologue.
Dear Mexican: In Mexican culture, do you know of any special significance attached to a woman giving a lock of her hair to a man as a gift?
Dear Newly Hairy Gabacho: If you don't get that a mujer giving you a lock of her hair wants you, then you probably thought she wanted you to use it as a mustache. No seas pendejo.
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Dear Mexican: This column — although very intelligent and respected for the knowledge that the responses are derived from — I find it very degrading to the Mexican culture. The broken Spanish is very New Mexican. I believe that throwing in some Spanish words here and there teaches the use of improper English, and I think it's you who will set an example for the Mexican people who read your column. They should get to see that there are intelligent Mexican people who learned the English language and master two languages rather than running it all together and sounding ridiculous as well as feeding the "Mexican" stereotype.
Custodian of Cervantes
Dear Wab: Roto Spanish, muy New Mexican? Yo thought it was Tex-mexicanos who hablar Spanglish very mucho. Spanglish es the modo where yo can enseñar my facilidad with las two idiomas, fucking pinche asshole pendejo loser. Besides, más better a show gabachos that mexicanos can usar two lenguas instead de just una — and también elite fresas like usted.
Remember: Keep sending those anti-Mexican regional ethnic slurs! The best one I've received so far: fronchi, what folks in El Paso call unassimilated Mexicans. It's a portmanteau of Frontera Chihuahua, which is what license plates from the Mexican state of Chihuahua across the U.S. border say.