A few years back, there was this commercial with Ed McCaffrey standing in front of East High School, looking like that rascal Eddie Haskell and holding a football and talking about something positive. (I believe it was for United Way, but with all the shit McCaffrey hawks these days, you never know.) The first time I ever saw this commercial was during a Monday Night Football game while I was at college, some 2,000 miles from my home. Now, I need not remind you how much I love this fine city of Denver, so you can imagine how overcome I was to see not only a Denver Bronco on my television set in Connecticut, but a Denver Bronco in front of my actual high school! I nearly seizured.
"That's Ed McEastHigh!" I screamed unintelligibly.
"Adam, chill out. What are you trying to say?"
The Real World: Denver
"East, man! East McSchoolfrey!"
Once my friends finally calmed me down, I explained how amazing it was to see a beloved Bronco standing in front of my high school on national television. They nodded, agreed, then disallowed me from having any more beers.
When I first heard that The Real World was going to be filming in Denver, similar pulses of excitement surged through my body. Denver, my little Denver, featured on national television for an entire season! And not just TV, MTV! I mean, that's street cred right there! Well, street cred if the year was 1989, but, hey, a lot of people still watch it.
So I tuned in. And not only was I horrified to see that Denver had been boiled down to Monarck, the Downtown Tavern and a few shots of the aliens outside the Denver Performing Arts Complex, but MTV had poisoned our city with hands-down the worst cast in Real World history. If I were in college now and people said, "Hey, Adam, The Real World: Denver! Aren't you from Denver?" I would respond, "No, I'm from Pueblo, which is in Colorado, so I can see how you would get confused. Now, who wants to binge-drink?"
Although there have been some horrible cast members in the Real World's past, never in the program's history have there been so many awful people under one roof. I even hesitate to call them people, because really, what they are is infections. You ever watch a show about infections? It's not such a good time. And apparently, all of America agreed. Ratings were so low that MTV was forced to shit out another Real World/Road Rules Challenge to show alongside it. That's how desperate things got.
But thankfully, thankfully, thankfully, this week marks the final episode of The Real World: Denver, and in honor of the death of the show, I would like to address each of the cast members individually, from who I hated most to least.
Brooke: What can I say other than that cancer is too good for you? Because suffering from cancer is noble, and nobility is something you should never possess. Your parents should teach a class called "How Not to Raise a Child," because then the world will be spared any further whiny, utterly inept, spoiled bitch-hounds like yourself. You are not only the worst reality-television personality I have ever seen, but you very may well be the worst person I have ever seen. Every time you raged freakishly or whined pathetically, I prayed that you would work yourself into such a tizzy that you suffered the program's first on-air aneurysm and we could see what a funeral looks like MTV-style. I imagine it would be excessive, like a My Super Sweet 16 episode, but all in black. And by the way, in those little teasers they show after the program, it's blatantly obvious you got a boob job, which is just so exactly what someone like you would do with her pathetic dollop of pseudo-fame. Here's hoping the silicone leaks back into your bitch-hound body and kills you!
Davis: If being gay were a job, you'd be fired. You're terrible at it. Sometimes you were catty and stirring up shit, like we like, but other times you were making out with chicks and bitching about wanting to be one of the guys. Bottom line, you suck. You just suck, Davis. At pretty much everything. I'm soooooo glad CT popped you in the face in that first episode of Real World/Road Rules Challenge. I just wish he had done more damage.
Colie, Colie, Colie: Hey, I'm a man -- does that mean I get a blow job? Yes it does, if only I had met you. But it wouldn't be for stimulation that I would put my penis in your mouth, Colie; it would be to shut you up. You are the quintessential fresh-out-of-college, over-dependent "mess" that every man should avoid. You're a sloppy drunk, you need to get a better immune system, and I'm sure the president of Tulane cringes whenever he sees you in that sweatshirt. Oh, and sometimes it looks like you have Down syndrome. A mild case, but definitely Down's.
Stephen: I'll admit there were moments when I tolerated you, but all in all, those moments were outweighed by instances when I despised your Republican ass, like when you were acting so bitch-made as an Outward Bound instructor. Remember when you had to go to a wedding for your sister and you smugly said you didn't feel bad about leaving because you were going to see people you actually cared about? As opposed to the campers who you could give two shits about? I can't wait until you're running for city council in whatever satellite suburb you move you and your unfortunate wife to, and someone points out that it was Hurricane Katrina victims you snubbed. You say you want to be a politician, yet you can't even sit still for a photo op with Katrina victims? Way to go, James Carville.
Jenn: I have to say, you were the coolest girl. Yeah, you were a whore, but you owned being a whore. And I appreciate that. I also appreciate your fantastic tits, but who in God's name do you think you are fooling with those eyebrows, girlfriend? They're hideous! Here's a tip: When you're ripping out chunks of flesh, you may be over-plucking. At that point, you probably thought, "I'll just paint them back on and nobody will notice how freakish my eyebrows look." And that thought would be true, if by "nobody" you meant "all of America."
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Tyrie: I like you. I really do. You were the most laid-back of the bunch. Every once in a while you said funny things. I saw you go for a jog in one episode, and there was another when you were cold chilling on the 16th Street Mall by yourself. I appreciate your getting to know Denver a little better. I just wish you hadn't gotten to know detox. Don't get me wrong: Going to detox is a badge of honor among my friends. But you damn near smacked a ho before you did it. And that bumped you to second on the list for coolest Real World member. I'm not down with hitting women. Unless it's Brooke, of course. Then you can hit the shit out of her.
Alex: You win because you're normal. And you banged a lot of chicks. Way to go, Alex!
Yes, it's been a crazy ride, Real World: Denver, but it's time to leave. If you'll allow me to steal a goodbye from an episode of Cribs, I would like to say that we invited you in, we showed you all of our cars, we showed you a four-block radius of our city that you never wandered from, but now you gots to get the fuck out.
And please, pretty, pretty please, never come back.