Hard to Swallow
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Denver-based Go Fast Sports & Beverage Company is bringing to Colorado the ultimate in extreme sporting competition: The Royal Gorge Go Fast Games, slated for October 3-5, 2003, at the 1,053-foot-high Royal Gorge Bridge west of Cañon City, Colorado. The Go Fast Games will showcase the cutting-edge athletes who promote and use its energy drink and sports apparel. The various disciplines on display for spectators will be:
Parachute and competition jumps by BASE jumpers who will jump from the Royal Gorge Bridge and land at the bottom.
BMX jump exhibitions.
Climbing and speed-climbing on the Bridge Towers.
Go Fast is dedicated to encouraging sports enthusiasts by creating products that inspire them to stay active and Go Fast!
FOR SUPER-IMMEDIATE RELEASE
From October 6-12, 2003, Red Bull King of the Air will return for its fifth year to the wind-whipped north shore of Maui. The event will showcase the world's most progressive kiteboarders in what is regarded as the premier kiteboarding event of the season. Kiters will be looking to impress judges with their overall ability in two disciplines: Freestyle and Big Air.
Red Bull is the ideal energy drink for all those who want to (or have to) feel awake in body and mind. Wherever and whenever. Red Bull gives you wings.
READ THIS RIGHT NOW!
"On October 11, Go Fast Sports and Beverage Company is proud to sponsor the Bandimere Skate-Skiing Games. Wearing only Go Fast brand shorts, T-shirts and nose rings, the area's most radical athletes, sponsored by the Go Fast brand, will ride a skateboard while being towed behind drag-race cars driving nearly 300 mph. Judges will note which riders arrive at the finish line. Extra points can be earned for avoiding crash debris in a gnarly way. The Colorado Rockies provide an exhilarating backdrop.
"Go Fast is an exciting mixture of vitamins and mild legal stimulants that inspires aspiring athletes to Drink Up and Dig Deep!"
DON'T NOT READ THIS
"On October 12, Red Bull Soaring Squirrel will be held for the first time ever over the unforgiving Salt Flats of Utah. This extreme event highlights omnivorous young daredevils from Red Bull's stable of athletes being dropped out of an airplane at 10,000 feet while wearing only Red Bull-style singlets and Zori brand flip-flops. Lift, if any, will be provided by standard Ping-Pong paddles, of which each contestant will be issued two. Of similar events being promoted, this one is the better, experts say. Judges will watch.
"Red Bull is a high-spirited and tenacious caffeine-based sport drink that makes young sportsmen and -women Hum With Chemical Energy."
HEY, YOU! LOOK AT THIS!
"On October 18, Go Fast Sports and Beverage Company is excited to stage an event regarded as more compelling than others of its kind, featuring our brand's most convivial young thrill-seekers competing for boatloads of Go Fast shwag. Come watch the latest and most synergistic moves of Extreme Rollerblade Laser Tag, in which Go Fast's collection of energy-drink-sponsored athletes, many nearly into their teens, career around a closed arena on Rollerblades while trying to shoot each other with real lasers. The venue is perched high upon the White Cliffs of Dover. Points will be awarded for unique skating moves, exceptional verve and clean burn wounds.
"Go Fast is an exuberant beverage laced with nearly FDA-approved Chinese herbs and other chemically enigmatic 'pepper-uppers' that force young users to Fly Low and Take Chances!"
NO, CHECK THIS OUT!
"On October 19, Red Bull's Helicopter Boxing Team takes to the skies for the Red Bull Punch, Climb and Kill Challenge. Teams of fanatical pugilists will dangle from razor-sharp tethers attached to Black Hawk choppers hovering over Ankar Wat. In what is widely regarded as the premier event of its kind, polytheistic contestants will compete to score points by knocking out their opponents, ascending the other team's tether and terminating with extreme prejudice the opposing extreme pilot. Judges and emergency medical technicians will assess the results on a first-come, first-served basis.
"Red Bull is an effervescent amphetamine-based liquid that takes hold of an athlete's central nervous system and squeezes it like a vice. Red Bull inspires you to Quiver With Nervous Power."
LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!
"On October 25, Colorado's Go Fast Sports and Beverage Company is willing to present the Go Fast Nunchakus Gauntlet. Staged at the foot of the remains of giant Buddha carvings in rural Afghanistan, this event, which aficionados claim is the apex of the energy-drink nunchakus tour, spotlights the most piquant of Go Fast's remaining athletes. Each sponsored participant will run through a narrow human passage while being beaten with Chinese combat fighting sticks. Wearing Go Fast's new line of ŒGauntlet Gear,' athletes will be evaluated based on foot speed and plasma retention.
"Go Fast is an energy drink like heroin is a headache remedy. Our special recipe combines anabolic steroids, human adrenal glands harvested from INS detainees and distilled essence of chamomile into a potent elixir that Propels the Athlete Who Has No Pre-existing Heart Condition."
OVER HERE, OVER HERE!
"The final weekend of the month features the Red Bull Submersible Shark Dare. Showcasing the obsidian waters of Gdansk, on October 26, Red Bull's athletes will be pitted against each other and nature's most garrulous competitors. Our ebullient energy-drink-sponsored middle-schoolers, wearing little but their nose plugs and Red Bull loincloths, are hauled behind an aging Soviet nuclear submarine into a school of sharks while holding a recently executed goat. Judges will be looking for contestants to maintain homeostasis.
"Red Bull uses pharmaceutical-grade crystal meth and human growth hormone in a patented formula designed to pluck the body's large-twitch muscle fibers like a banjo's A-string. Red Bull: When Long-Term Health Just Isn't the Point."
UM, NEVER MIND
"Kick off November with Go Fast's first-of-its-kind event -- the post-Royal Gorge Bridge Extreme Interment! Watch as the country's sickest daredevils gather for a soaring-but-somber sendoff for one of their own, in a bucolic setting dotted with some of the area's most awesome headstones. They'll wear 'wing suits' designed to mimic the aerodynamic properties of a flying squirrel, which thirty-year-old Australian Dwain Weston donned last month when he executed a nearly perfect parachute freefall over the Royal Gorge Bridge. Phat pallbearers, stoked by Go Fast energy drink and clothed in Go Fast's very recently released Last Rites line of extreme formalwear, will help propel Weston to his final BASE jump. Our all-in-black judges will be looking for mourners to exhibit the tiniest degree of sanity.
"Go Fast provides a slight pick-me-up while bearing no legal responsibility for the actions of its consumers. Tune in for next month's Go Fast Sports' Ex-Games."
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Westword's biggest stories.