Here's what the Denver Broncos Appreciation Day proclamation should really say
Most Broncos fans we know are trying to forget the Super Bowl massacre by the Seahawks. But Denver mayor Michael Hancock is insisting upon reminding us. Despite the brutality of the loss, the city has produced an official video salute to the team and is encouraging the citizenry to sign a group thank-you card. In addition, Hancock has issued a proclamation declaring today "Denver Broncos Appreciation Day." Well, we've read over this document, and made some alterations intended to reflect something we like to call "reality." See it all below.
First up is the video, which appears to have been made in a world in which either the Broncos actually won the Super Bowl or didn't lose 43-8. We'd happily move there if it meant we could un-see what we witnessed on Sunday.
And here's a screen capture of the online card, which is available for printing in case you'd like to hand out copies to your friends -- most of whom will punch you in the face after receiving one.
And finally, here's Hancock's proclamation. The closest thing to an acknowledgement of the disaster at MetLife stadium is a line declaring that "Broncos Country, proud and strong, will rise again, as we already cannot wait for next season to begin so that we can unite in orange behind our beloved Denver Broncos."
We're looking forward to next year, too -- because at that point, we'll have had some recovery time and should be able to focus on what's being done to shore up a team whose deficiencies were exposed on a national stage. Right now, though, our emotions are still too raw to embrace Hancock's sunny, cheerful, thank-you-sir-may-I-have-another statement, as you can see by our proclamation.
WHEREAS, the Denver Broncos, our hometown team, followed up their third straight AFC West division title and second number one overall seed in the playoffs (after blowing it last year in the first round) to stand atop the conference as AFC Champions, only to get their heads handed to them in the Super Bowl; and
WHEREAS, the Denver Broncos' 2013 season, though marked by 15 team and individual NFL records and 23 team and individual franchise records, ended on the sourest note imaginable; and
WHEREAS, the Denver Broncos brought this city together as one fan base, united in orange, and united in mourning for a humiliation seen by the largest television audience in history; and
WHEREAS, the Denver Broncos have now lost more Super Bowls -- five -- than any other team in NFL history, with a point differential in those ass stompings of an astonishingly nauseating 206-58 (no, we're not making that up); and
WHEREAS, Broncos fans around the world remain shell-shocked by the embarrassment, and must therefore avoid ESPN and other sports broadcasts for fear of being reminded of what happened less than a week ago; and
WHEREAS, while some Broncos have apologized for their sorry performance, plenty of others haven't, and team management remains mum about how such a debacle can be avoided in the future; and
WHEREAS, we're really not sure if we can handle another game like that,
NOW, THEREFORE, WE, MEMBERS OF POST-TRAUMATIC BRONCOS NATION, by virtue by the authority vested in us by our longtime devotion to the team, do hereby officially proclaim FEBRUARY 6, 2014, to be known as:
"DENVER BRONCOS DEPRECIATION DAY"
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