The Colorado Department of Transportation has approved police "pace-cars" for Sundays in January to improve the flow of ski traffic on I-70. Let's forget the logistics and the arguments about whether a police car driving at a steady rate while flashing its light will actually "harmonize" traffic, as it hopes to. We don't care if it works or not. We just think its un-American. And that's not the only thing depleting our American-ness. The police pace-car is just one of ten things that make us shout, "I thought this was America!"
10. Dry counties Prohibition was a long time ago and most of us agree it was a terrible idea. Now it's time to get our drink on. We're not going to come to your door with a beer bong and force you to down a few -- though we will if you want us to -- but everyone should have the option. We're looking at you, Mississippi, Kansas and Tennessee. According to Wikipedia, so you know it's true, every county in these three states is dry by default unless otherwise specified.
9. Removing all-American soft-drink products from schools This might be a good idea from the "saving ourselves from ourselves" school of thought. But listen here, buddy. We'll get as fat as we want any way we want. And if that's by can after can of sugar-laden soda, so be it.
8. Red light cameras Not only is this the first step towards an army of robots policing the populace, it's cowardice. You want to give us a ticket, you get out on the street and do it yourself. Until then, we're not paying tickets handed out by a camera, unless the camera comes to our house with a gun. We'll probably fold at that point.
7. Banning tag, touch football and other games at recess Overly protective school administrators and whiny parents have started replacing these supposedly dangerous games in favor of imaginary jump rope, portable video games and "personal time." But you know what's more dangerous? The alarming rate at which this country is producing fatties. So a couple of kids will run into each other or jam a finger, but at least they'll get in the habit of firing up a jog or some other physical activity every once in a while.
6. Two beer limit per purchase at sporting events We get it. Teams want fans to get a little less hammered at games. But those determined to drink as many beers as they can before the seventh inning or third quarter are going to accomplish their goal. They're just going to have to take more trips to get tanked, and thus miss more of the game. And there are few things more un-'Merican than missing the game.
5. Soccer Before all the soccer zealots flood the comment section to let us know the last Real Madrid-Barcelona match was "totally epic" or that we "just don't get it," this is not a degradation of soccer. It's just that we really suck at it. Before each World Cup, the media and some hardcore fans try to push the idea that this is the time America becomes internationally relevant in soccer, and then our team proves them wrong, again. Our best athletes are busy playing football, basketball, baseball and beating the hell out of each other through MMA. Rather than pretending we'll ever be good at soccer, we'll just label it un-American. Now that's an American practice.
4. The postal service repeatedly painting over the mailboxes in love We realize very few people are actually sending mail anymore, so postal employees don't have anything better to do than try to keep these love boxes apart. But let's recognize the difference between actual graffiti and something the public clearly enjoys. It's what the founding fathers would have wanted.
3. No losers in youth sports Everyone wins! Yeah! Trophies for everyone! Yeah! Children fail to develop a healthy competitive spirit and believe being the worst at something is just as good as being the best at it! Yeah? Teaching kids there are no losers and winners will only set them up to be mediocre at everything. How are kids supposed to develop an oversized sense of patriotism if they don't know the difference between the best country (USA) and the worst (Everyone else)?
2. Not being able to walk around with a drink Go to Las Vegas or Bourbon Street and what do you see? Besides a boob or three, a bunch of people walking around with smiles on their faces. Why? They get to cruise around with a beer or cocktail. A cold beer makes pretty much every situation better, and some scenarios demand it. Walk through a crowded mall on a Saturday and tell us a stiff drink wouldn't help you tolerate the waves of mouth-breathers.
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1. I-70 pace cars The appeal of driving on open highways -- especially here out West -- is doing so quickly. It's bad enough that I-70 is scattered with 55 MPH zones, and now we might have to drive behind a police car flashing its lights for extended stretches. The pace cars will reportedly travel at 45 to 55 MPH -- tortuously slow if you're still wearing wet ski gear and just want to get home to a cold beer and a hot shower. We all see the speed limit signs and understand the risk of disobeying them. Keep the pace cars out of our way. We're trying to speed at a reasonable yet not excessive pace here.
(Amber Taufen, Stephanie DeCamp, Melanie Asmar, William Breathes and Patrick Langlois contributed to this list and help keep America American.)
More from our Things to Do archive: "50 reasons we're glad we live in Denver and not the United States."