If you've dated women in Denver, you might recognize one of these
Noah Van Sciver
It's a dating jungle out there, and in order to survive, you need to know how to identify the animals — especially the ones likely to tear you to shreds. With that in mind, Westword has zeroed in on the people who've contributed to the longest, most awkward nights of your life.
Our men's list is coming to the Latest Word blog at westword.com, which is where we've already posted our ladies' list. Here are a few examples from our rundown of the top ten Denver women you've probably dated.
Also known as: The Body Reshaper
Usually someone who was out of shape, and whose attempts to tone up involve obsessive gym time and gobbling dietary supplements of questionable legality, the Musculature Reformza tends to have such a fondness for body building that she's been known to do curls at the dinner table; such an unnaturally deep voice that she's sometimes mistaken for James Earl Jones; a bone-crushing handshake that's ruined the careers of several promising pianists; and a back pat that doubles as the Heimlich maneuver. Her idea of a fun date is carb-packing at a restaurant where the kitchen echoes with the death throes of doomed animals and/or a microwave burrito from 7-Eleven, then weight training whose fervency may cause a date who can't clean and jerk at an Olympic level of proficiency to end the evening with a dislocated shoulder (Crossfit, anyone?). But hang on to her number in case you need help moving.
Also known as: The Overtrainer
A more austere variation of Musculature Reformza, the individual grouped under the Overtrainula classification attempts to maximize her physical gifts by getting as lean as possible rather than pumping up. Forget spending a quiet evening at home. She's not happy unless she's climbing a Fourteener using only her fingernails or, in emergency situations, her teeth. Body fat is her arch enemy — so much so that you can hear her bones rubbing against each other when she walks — and if she thinks an extra ounce has collected on her frame, she'll react as if she's just broken the scale on The Biggest Loser. That's unlikely, though, due to an intense suspicion about anything she consumes that few dudes can match.
Also known as: The Exotic Foodie
In contrast to the Overtrainula, the Gastrophile Abnormalectus loves to eat, as long as the items that make up the meal are so unusual that they'd trigger most people's gag reflex. To her, food isn't something to provide warmth, comfort and a sense of well-being and security. Rather, it's the stuff of adventure, especially if it's officially considered endangered. Dining with her requires a platinum stomach lining and the mental acuity to pretend that what you just put in your mouth doesn't have at least a fifty-fifty chance of killing you. Afterward, the technologically savvy GA will spend hours online comparing her reaction to that of others like her. On the plus side, this activity may allow you time to slip out for a burger.
Scene and herd: The picture is now down, so the organizer of the "Peter Boyles, Stop exploiting the Aurora shootings to promote your pro-gun agenda!" petition will probably take her request offline as well. But the Colorado Pols website is still mad.
In "Fuck You, Peter Boyles," the left-leaning political blog and website takes Boyles to task for using the photo and doctoring it to make it look like the two men, along with senators Michael Bennet and Mark Udall, are sad about anti-gun-control efforts.
"Bottom line," the blog reads, "Peter Boyles is a scumbag of the worst order. He is an unrepentant 'birther,' a comically over-the-top extremist on just about every issue, and, as he demonstrated on his way out the door of his last job, fully capable of personal outbursts of violence."
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