Jesus and Saturday Night Live got it right: Despite the ardent orange-and-blue Tim Tebow fans who filled Sports Authority at Mile High yesterday, the Patriots clobbered the Denver Broncos -- as an SNL sketch in which Taran Killam, as Tebow, and Jason Sudeikis, as an athletic-sox wearing Jesus, had predicted.
The sketch opens in the Broncos' locker room, where Tebow is thanking the team -- and Jesus -- for helping him win the December 11 game against the Bears. "I want to thank you guys for believing in me. I know I started a little shaky out there, but we pulled it out 'cause we stuck together!," he says. "And also, I gotta thank the most important person in my life, my Lord and savior Jesus Christ, because I could not do this without him. Thank you, Jesus!"
As he drops to his knee and begins Tebowing, Jesus arrives on a cloud.
"First of all, you're welcome," he tells the team. "Yes, I, Jesus Christ, am the reason you've won your past six football games.... Here's the thing: If we're going to keep doing this, you gotta meet me halfway out there. Let's face it: It's not a good week if every week, I, the son of God, have to come in, drop everything and bail out the Denver Broncos in the fourth quarter. I'm a busy guy."
He's only helping in the fourth quarter, Tebow asks? Yes, Jesus replies, he's a busy guy -- and "I'm 2,010 years old." But he has some tips for how Tebow can win: "Here's something else you should do before every game... stretch. Get the arm warm. Read the playbook. Do you read that?"
The playbook? "The Holy Bible is my playbook," Tebow responds.
That's great, Jesus says, but "seriously, I'm doing all the work here...Tim's doing his best, God bless him."
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And Tebow will have to do better if he wants to win on December 24, because Jesus will be busy celebrating his birthday. As for the game slated for the next day, against the New England Patriots, lots of luck. "If I'm the son of God, Tom Brady's got to be his nephew," Jesus says. "The guy's a miracle worker."
And there were no Broncos miracles at Mile High yesterday, where the Patriots won 41-23.
Here's the sketch:
Tim Tebow doesn't sing much better than he played yesterday. Listen to this eleven-second clip of "Awesome God" in "Tim Tebow is an awesomely bad singer."