Jobbed: Hey gamers, it's your dream come true -- unless it's a scheme to kill you
Welcome aboard, son. Here's your desk.
The Job: Telemarketing person
Pay: $8 an hour
Qualifications as posted online: "Are you a gamer? Do you play computer or online games that aren't super involved and allow you the time and freedom to make phone calls? You might be a good fit for our office position. You must have your own laptop with Skype installed and a headset. You also must have a monthly subscription to Skype-Out Unlimited (monthly subscription is like $2.99 per month) so that you can make outbound calls to the U.S. and Canada. You must live in or near the Aurora Mall. We are really super picky on who we hire. You have to be able to converse professionally with companies. If you talk like a gangsta or can't hold an intelligent conversation, we won't hire you. We will conduct a phone interview for those we are interested in the position -- you will be required to play your game and go through the call script to see if you can do it."
Responsibilities: "We are looking for a few smart people to work for approximately a four-hour shift on a daily or every other day basis -- either morning (8 a.m. to noon) or afternoon (noon to 4 p.m.) -- we will have a schedule that you can sign up for time slots. Your job will be to call a company and offer to e-mail them our 'Welcome Packet' for our travel services. Basically, you just call the company and ask for the person that arranges the corporate travel (we provide the phone numbers and you just cut and paste them into Skype), then ask for their contact info and then e-mail them a Welcome Packet -- it's really easy. The problem is that it is pretty boring work -- so we are open to letting you play your computer games while you do it, so long as your games are not super intense and involved (action games are not good -- role playing games are good, board games online are good, etc -- if you have other things you like to do online that will allow you to still make phone calls, that might be fine too). We do require you to input contact data into a database and send the e-mails, so that will take a little time away from your games. We monitor your input into the database, so if you aren't working or you are entering crappy data or you aren't keeping pace, we will not retain you."
What it doesn't say: You are a loser. Seriously, if you can't stop playing video games long enough to hold a job, you probably don't deserve to be employed in the first place. But, seriously, if you can get this job, you've got it made, tool. On the other hand, there's also the possibility that whoever posted this job has actually concocted a ruse to lure you in so that he can kill you, boil your limbs and eat you. It's the perfect crime: No one would notice you absence, since you spend all your time in your room "gaming" anyway.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Westword's biggest stories.
- Reader: Christ, How Many People Need to Grow Weed in Colorado?
- Heat Up, Cool Off: Our Ten Favorite Colorado Hot Springs
- Ask a Mexican: Readers Respond to Dickhead in Denver