Jonestown, October 5
Here's a brief look at some of the items Americans are desperate to learn about today:
Topps meat After 67 years in business, the Topps Meat company is going out of business. The final straw was a 21 million ton beef recall, the second largest in American history. A few conclusions can be drawn from this. Product-safety recalls are bad for business, ergo bad for the economy. On the other hand, death is great for the economy; it really cuts down on unemployment. The obvious lesson here is eat your tainted beef and shut up. It’s good for America.
Talia Balsam Talia Balsam is George Clooney’s ex-wife, and the focus of America’s attention due to her recent injury and a dumbass bet he made with some other celebrities. See, after Ms. Balsam broke his heart, he bet $100,000 that he’d never get married again. I would like to bet someone $100,000 that it would take another event of the magnitude of September 11 to keep this kind of shit out of the top 10 searches for even two consecutive days. Any takers?
Paget-Schroetter Syndrome A potentially fatal ailment that occurs when a blod clot forms in the arm or shoulder and moves to the lungs. This disease of the week has captured America’s attention because Isaac Hanson, of the band Hanson, was recently diagnosed and underwent surgery for it. A spokesman for the band says this will temporarily derail their plans for a comeback tour. While I wish only the best for Isaac Hanson and his family, I would like to thank Paget-Schroetter Syndrome for saving the world from a Hanson comeback, if only temporarily.
Jonestown ESPN has a story up about the grandson of Jim Jones, the founder of the notorious Jonestown. Apparently the kid, Rob Jones, is the hottest basketball player in the Bay Area. His father, Jim Jones Jr. (ever consider changing that name?) was spared the fate of the other 900 residents of Jonestown because he was out of the encampment for a basketball game. The world is definitely getting weirder.
naegleria fowleri amoeba Naegleria fowleri is a brain-eating amoeba that has been linked to six deaths this year. Apparently the little bugger is found everywhere, and poses no hazard if swallowed. Only when it enters the sinuses, such as through snorting up a bunch of water, is it dangerous. If it gets in the brain, there is no cure and it is almost certainly fatal. Has anyone seen my noseplugs? – Cory Casciato