That gutter-cleaning job you've been putting off? Forget about it. That iPad you've been cautiously eying? Time to splurge, my friend. Why? Because we only have a mere seven weeks, just 47 more days, until Judgment Day. Swear to God. After all, a downtown billboard proclaims -- wait, guarantees it. Who needs more proof than that?
The billboard, one of those mini-me versions stuck in some guy's front yard on Delaware Street between 12th and 13th avenues downtown, proclaims in bold letters that Judgment Day is nigh -- nigh as in May 21. (It doesn't specify the year, but we're taking a stab and saying it's May 21, 2011.) And, like some cheesy infomercial, there's even a gold seal noting, "The Bible guarantees it." That's a relief. So, if we blow all our money on an RV with a hot tub on the roof and a pet albino shark so we can live out the last days of existence in style and the apocalypse doesn't come, we get our money back, right?
Also, according to the somewhat confusing billboard text, it appears Judgment Day will occur from 6:30 to 8 p.m. Maybe they should call it Judgment Happy Hour.
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The helpful ad is the work of Family Radio, a non-profit Christian radio network run by a man named Harold Camping. Mr. Camping apparently spent five decades analyzing the Bible to come up with the May 21, 2011 date. It's unclear what, exactly, Camping's proof entails, but apparently it involves the establishment of Israel, the degradation of the Christian church and the rise of the gay pride movement.
Oh, and the fact that Camping made news a couple decades ago for proclaiming Judgment Day was coming in 1994? Disregard that, says his website. His calculations were off. This time, though, it's for realsies. After all, Camping finally has billboards.
So, there you have it. Apocalypse now -- actually not right now, but pretty darn soon. We just hope the owner of the billboard got Family Radio to pay upfront for the ad. Last we heard, the End of Days won't be the best time to send invoices.
More from our Media archive: "Quiznos' new commercials are the freakiest things we've ever seen -- but will they sell?" Follow Joel Warner on Twitter @joelmwarner