Seven Less Risky Legislative Celebrations for 2018

Today is the last day of the state legislative session. Normally, that would mean that it’s time to party — not for the legions of Colorado legislative fans (if those exist, please let us know), but for the legislators themselves, along with the lobbyists and the interns and the staff and the hangers-on.

However, it was at an end-of-session party that Steve Lebsock made the poor choice of showing exactly the sort of guy he was to some of the attendees, which led to his expulsion from the House. (Proving he was unafraid to do the shitty thing even up until the last minute, the Democrat from Thornton switched party affiliations right before he was expelled just to screw over Democrats who had voted him out.)

Needless to say, this year’s end-of-session party might need some retooling. What else could the Colorado legislature do to celebrate in a safer, more politically correct manner? Here are seven ways that the party could still go on without risk of a Lebsockian disaster.


7. Take a Group Field Trip to Casa Bonita
Nothing says "party" and "Colorado" quite like Casa Bonita. As legislators muddle through their mandatory taco plates and down the unlimited sopaipillas and pitchers of classico margs, they can savor the chlorine in the air as the divers do their thing. Yes, there is still liquor involved, but all that drunk energy could be used more positively — like to fuel a victory in Skee-Ball or Frogger or the Wishing Well.


6. An Old-Fashioned Ice Cream Social
What’s more innocent and family-friendly than an ice cream social? Hold it right there in Civic Center Park and share the day with the community that you purport to serve. Free ice cream from local purveyors, a big brass band that would make Professor Harold Hill tip his straw hat, some barbershop quartets, balloon animals, and folks riding those gigantic-wheel bikes — you know, all the old-fashioned stuff that strips any opportunity for leering douchebags to suggest a key party.


5. Reserve an Afternoon at Jump Street
As kids across the metro area know, Jump Street is pretty awesome. What’s not to love about indoor trampolines? Tough to get liquored up when you’re constantly bouncing, and if anyone gets offensive or handsy, you can just bounce away.


4. Everyone Watches Avengers: Infinity War Together
On the bright side, everyone will get a lesson about sacrifice and heroism. On the darker side, that ending isn’t exactly celebratory. Little-known fact: Jim Starlin got his inspiration for Thanos’s save-the-universe-by-destroying-half-of-it philosophy from none other than Douglas Bruce. Despite that fact not being accurate or even chronologically possible, it’s still pretty disturbing.


3. Miniature Golf
You know who doesn’t like mini-golf? Jerks. We’ve listed the best places for mini-golf in the metro area in years past, but for Colorado’s politicos, there’s one clear choice: a course down in Littleton where every hole is Colorado-themed. Ever want to putt through the Eisenhower Tunnel? Here's your chance.


2. Film Strips and Desk Cleaning
Let’s let the Colorado legislature do exactly what we all did as kids during those halcyon final days of school before summer break: watch film strips (our favorite was the Disney one about the lemmings plummeting off the cliff) and then clean our desks of pencil marks and crayon scraps. Give the custodial staff at the Capitol a break, and let’s allow the legislators to take care of themselves, if only for the day.


1. Naps
But separately, Steve (and Ross and Joey). Separately.