"Taco the Town," Adam Cayton-Holland, May 15
I don't care what everyone says, Adam; even if you are a pretentious asshole at times, I fucking love your column.
I hate Toxic Hell almost as much as I despise the growing sect of our culture I have come to refer to as FFA (Fat-Fuck America). Your use of this term is what prompted me to finally drop you a line. Last season, I stepped up to the plate (both kinds) and took the Rockies taco challenge. I didn't have a numerical goal, taco-wise; my goal was to see how many Taco Bells I could hit in the allotted time frame.
I applaud you, sir. You made it much further than I did. And the disgusting presents you left for your colleagues is a much better use for those smelly, sickening tacos. After trying my hardest to devour all sixteen of mine, most of them ended up in the trash — and I ended up vomiting.
"Sporting Chance," Adam Cayton-Holland, May 8
Loved this What's So Funny? I must have been sitting right next to Adam at the Nuggets game. There were so many Lakers fans, I would have been embarrassed except that I came to terms with this state being overrun by Californians about ten years ago. Plus, we were sitting in the nosebleeds, which meant most folks up there were only about two generations removed from walking on all fours. Best exchange:
Idiot Lakers Fan in Kobe jersey stands up during the third-quarter massacre: What's up now, you bitches?! (He pops out the Lakers part of his jersey and points across the aisle to...)
Idiot Nuggets Fan in throwback Alex English jersey: You couldn't afford this jersey! This jersey costs more than your house! (He pops his jersey, too.)
Kobe Fan: Fuck you bitches!
English Fan: You couldn't afford this jersey!
They went on like that for about three minutes. Classic, and I'll bet that same scene was repeated more than a few times at the Pepsi Center that day.
Well, Adam, m'boy, I feel like my weekly reading of your column has come full circle, and I should thank you. I started a couple of years back when you wrote a piece about the rodeo and you mentioned that a rodeo clown getting kicked is "funny to everyone. Even a Mormon." Or something like that. And you were right. I felt the giggles nearly erupt from my midsection. But not to worry, I kept them under control and returned to watching a wholesome television program on the History Channel (although they're getting a little raunchy these days, aren't they? The History of Sex!?).
Anytime we get a joke made about us that isn't polygamy-related, I eat that crap up. And now, in "Sporting Chance," you drop in a "lobotomized Mormon." Once again, a dig at our lack of passion and deficient sense of humor, and once again, well played. I just wanted you to know that you've made a difference in the life of this hapless Mormon boy, and may have helped him appear to have a personality, at least for the first few seconds of a conversation. As long as I'm talking with an Amish person, or someone from Limon.
Keep up the good work. (Although are all those "F" and "sh" words necessary?)
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Drunk of the Week, Drew Bixby, May 8
Hey, Drew! Keep steering people away from Vine Street Pub. It's pretty clear that you don't get the Vine, nor does it probably get you. Guess what? The fine boys from Mountain Sun don't need you, as they already had a devout following and a great concept before they ever hit Denver with Vine.