Mariya Barmak is suburban superhero Broomfield Bluenose: Kenny Be's Hip Tip
Broomfield Bluenose Real name: Mariya Barmak; Occupation: Assistant Colorado Attorney General; Suburb of operation: Broomfield; Hair: Scarved; Eyes: Burning
Suburban superhero skills: Broomfield Bluenose possesses the conventional attributes of a Latvian immigrant as well as certain special entitlements developed through American law-school training. She sustains herself by draining the life force of city employees through terse phone calls and public meetings. Broomfield Bluenose is a living "power dampener" who accuses city workers of a racist conspiracy for holding Broomfield Days on Yom Kippur...
The power of city workers to plan for city events has been completely dampened by the insistence of staff sensitivity-training sessions regarding Jewish holidays. Since Yom Kippur and Broomfield Days only coincide (on average) once every six years, Broomfield Bluenose's skill in courtroom performance allows her to compare a Jew's (occasional) inability to see the town's dog costume contest to the experience of black segregation in the pre-Civil Rights era of the Deep South.
While Broomfield Bluenose possesses the ability to override the planning schedules of public servants, the potency of this power varies greatly over time. At her peak, Broomfield Bluenose is capable of changing the minds of as many people as there are within a twenty-foot radius, and she can only direct one sort of behavior at a time. Broomfield Bluenose is especially good at controlling the actions of city councilors through the use of liberal guilt.
Colorado Rockies vs. San Francisco Giants
TicketsMon., Sep. 4, 1:10pm
Colorado Rockies vs. San Diego Padres
TicketsFri., Sep. 15, 6:40pm
Colorado Rockies vs. Miami Marlins
TicketsMon., Sep. 25, 6:40pm
Colorado Rockies vs. Los Angeles Dodgers
TicketsFri., Sep. 29, 6:10pm
Denver Outlaws / Major League Lacrosse All Star Game
TicketsSat., Dec. 29, 6:00pm
Broomfield Bluenose has also been observed dampening the on-air performance of Call7 investigator Tony Kovaleski by denying him quick camera access to redacted PUC records at the Department of Regulatory Agencies.
Through the power of concentration, Broomfield Bluenose can perceive American culture solely as patterns of liberal and conservative energy, which she has learned how to overload and/or short-circuit to suit her will.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Denver, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.