Dear Readers: Contrary to what some of ustedes think, racist gabachos and self-hating Mexicans aren't my only fans. Many of our friendly neighbors to the Great White Norte also love me. In honor of my home town Anaheim Ducks pounding on pussy Canadians to win the Stanley Cup, I dedicate this column to ellos.
Dear Mexican: Why do Americans bitch about Mexicans stealing jobs? I constantly see white guys overseeing Mexican crews . The only thing I can think of that would make a white guy hire Mexicans is if they're willing to work for less pay than Americans. Lots of Americans like getting more for less, so why do they complain if lots of American bosses like getting more for less? Also, lots of Americans praise values like working hard and taking care of their families, yet jobs go unfilled because they won't "work beneath their dignity." Mexicans will "work beneath their dignity" so they can feed their families. So how do Mexicans "steal" jobs that Americans don't want, and why is it bad that they work like this?
Dear Hoser: Why do Americans bitch about Mexicans stealing jobs? Gabachos whining about immigrants undercutting the American working man is as essential to this country's bedrock of liberty as the blood spilled on Iwo Jima. What's most fascinating about this psychosis is how it persists despite everyone knowing who the true culprit is: the free market. Sorry, Tom Tancredo: Erect all the border walls and sic all the migra agents you want to keep Mexicans away, but if Big Business wants wabs, Big Business will get wabs.
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Dear Mexican: I know that to Mexicans, a Canadian probably seems like another serving of mayonnaise. But Canadians and Mexicans have a lot in common. We both put up with a lot of the same bullshit from a certain you-know-who across the border; you might say that we're like the two slices of bread on either side of a big bullshit sandwich. Do you think there will ever be greater cooperation between our peoples? I wonder if the Mexicans who dream of America might dream of Canada instead. For every Mexican who moves to Canada, we could send one Canadian back to Mexico — or we could send blocks of ice to help ease the raspado shortages.
Dear Hoser: We're already amigos. In 2004, the two countries signed the Canada-Mexico Partnership in honor of the sixtieth anniversary of diplomatic relations between los dos. As with most treaties involving Mexico, the CMP benefits mostly Mexicans — for instance, Canadian industries are helping redevelop the cities of Matamoros and Reynosa and have provided millions of dollars in credit to Mexican businesses. As a result, Mexicans are flocking to Canada; according to one Mexican governmental report, the number of Mexicans there increased almost 94 percent, from 22,035 in 1991 to 42,740 in 2001. I gotta hand it to you moose eaters: While most gabachos are celebrating the defeat of the amnesty bill in a manner better befitting Osama's capture, you're making nice with us. When the conquest of Aztlán is complete, we shall remember your kindness and offer Guatemala as a token of goodwill.