Miller moths are back, molesting porch lights, swarming cars and generally pestering the good citizens of Colorado earlier than usual this year due to our recent warm weather. Pest control companies are helpless in the face of these flapping demons; their best advice is to suck them up with a vacuum cleaner hose. But we here at Westword think you can do better. Hence, our Top Five Uses for Miller Moths.
This one is simple. Catch a moth in a jar. Summon your cats. Five hours later, when they stop ignoring you and wander into the kitchen because they feel like it and not because you called them, lay down on the ground with your iPhone. Film your cats as they swipe at the jar. Put it on YouTube. Because stuff like this is why the Internet was invented.
4. Moth dioramas. Apparently, there's a market for dead-bug dioramas. The beetle-playing-a-banjo you see here, from Bug Under Glass in San Francisco, retails for a cool $85. And that's just one beetle. Given the number of moths dive-bombing your bedroom, you could make like, a bajillion dollars on this idea. So a beetle can play a banjo, huh? And ride a bicycle? And skateboard? Well, have you ever seen a moth compete in a mixed martial arts cage match? Or play Monopoly? Or bake a delicious pie? Well, you will now.
3. Food for your tarantula. We're not sure why you'd want to keep a tarantula as a pet. See the photo to the right? That's a picture of a tarantula's claws. Mostly, we chose it because we couldn't bear to post a photo of an entire tarantula without peeing our pants. But also, we posted it to point out that tarantulas have claws. Effing claws! That's horrifying. Oh, and they eat moths. So there you go.
Page down to read our top two ways to use invading Miller moths.
Want to be a YouTube sensation but don't have any cats? Eat a moth.
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You'll need: a creepy house, a creepy guy, a creepy hole in your basement, a creepy bucket attached to a creepy rope.... Actually, this is a terrible idea. Nevermind. Go with one of our other suggestions instead.
More from our Lists & Weirdness archive: "Photos: Ten memorable Missed Connections from Denver Craigslist."