Denise and Alan Fields have encountered a lot of ludicrous baby gear while writing and updating Baby Bargains, the number-one baby-product book in the country. So when they say a particular product is one of the most outrageous they've discovered, you know they mean business. Here are a few of their least wanted:
• The Roddler, www.kidkustoms.com, $2,500 and up. Kids just can't get into street racing young enough these days. Thank God for the Roddler, a stroller with the mind — and price tag — of a custom hot rod. It has aerodynamic wheel fenders straight off a '50s Cadillac, whitewall tires and flame-trimmed pearlized paint jobs — perfect for risking your baby's life playing chicken with the neighbor's Bugaboo stroller. You can even customize it with an iPod dock, a climate-control system, surround-sound speakers, matching luggage, a drop-down DVD screen and a multi-function trip computer.
• Mustela Musti baby perfume, www.mustelausa.com, $28. Babies are great, except for the fact that they smell like doo-doo and sour milk. Now you can make them smell like flowers and fresh fruit — on top of the doo-doo and sour milk — with a spritz of Mustela Musti "Eau de Soin" baby spray.
• Bonne Nuit Crib in Versailles in pink or blue, www.petittresor.com, $3,150. If it's good enough for Barron Trump, son of the Donald, it's good enough for your little bundle of joy. If this crib's price seems a little steep, consider this: It's hand-painted, accented in gold leaf and, best of all, named after the French palace!
• Gucci baby gear, www.gucci.com, $90 to $4,250. While you may think your four-month-old is making meaningless baby noises, she's actually saying, "Goooo-chi." You can start her off with the $90 Gucci cotton baby bib, or go for the brass and ivory enamel pacifier clip with engraved Gucci logo, a steal at $170. Then there are the white patent-leather baby shoes for $285. Of course, if you want your little darling to really feel special, why not splurge on the Gucci white mink baby coat, just $4,250?
• Pee-Pee Teepee, www.bebabean.com, $12. Who said baby products had to be expensive to be stupid? For just twelve measly bucks, you can be the proud owner of a Pee-Pee Teepee! These specially designed cotton cones — no, they're not plain old cotton cones; they have cute planes on them — can be placed over your baby boy's penis while you change him. Your child will look utterly ridiculous, but at least you won't get a shot of urine in the eye. Just in time for the holidays, you can even get Santa Hat Pee-Pee Teepees. Just don't let the kiddo wear the used ones on his head.