Denise and Alan Fields have encountered a lot of ludicrous baby gear while writing and updating Baby Bargains, the number-one baby-product book in the country. So when they say a particular product is one of the most outrageous they've discovered, you know they mean business. Here are a few of their least wanted:
• The Roddler, www.kidkustoms.com, $2,500 and up. Kids just can't get into street racing young enough these days. Thank God for the Roddler, a stroller with the mind — and price tag — of a custom hot rod. It has aerodynamic wheel fenders straight off a '50s Cadillac, whitewall tires and flame-trimmed pearlized paint jobs — perfect for risking your baby's life playing chicken with the neighbor's Bugaboo stroller. You can even customize it with an iPod dock, a climate-control system, surround-sound speakers, matching luggage, a drop-down DVD screen and a multi-function trip computer.
• Mustela Musti baby perfume, www.mustelausa.com, $28. Babies are great, except for the fact that they smell like doo-doo and sour milk. Now you can make them smell like flowers and fresh fruit — on top of the doo-doo and sour milk — with a spritz of Mustela Musti "Eau de Soin" baby spray.
• Bonne Nuit Crib in Versailles in pink or blue, www.petittresor.com, $3,150. If it's good enough for Barron Trump, son of the Donald, it's good enough for your little bundle of joy. If this crib's price seems a little steep, consider this: It's hand-painted, accented in gold leaf and, best of all, named after the French palace!
• Gucci baby gear, www.gucci.com, $90 to $4,250. While you may think your four-month-old is making meaningless baby noises, she's actually saying, "Goooo-chi." You can start her off with the $90 Gucci cotton baby bib, or go for the brass and ivory enamel pacifier clip with engraved Gucci logo, a steal at $170. Then there are the white patent-leather baby shoes for $285. Of course, if you want your little darling to really feel special, why not splurge on the Gucci white mink baby coat, just $4,250?
• Pee-Pee Teepee, www.bebabean.com, $12. Who said baby products had to be expensive to be stupid? For just twelve measly bucks, you can be the proud owner of a Pee-Pee Teepee! These specially designed cotton cones — no, they're not plain old cotton cones; they have cute planes on them — can be placed over your baby boy's penis while you change him. Your child will look utterly ridiculous, but at least you won't get a shot of urine in the eye. Just in time for the holidays, you can even get Santa Hat Pee-Pee Teepees. Just don't let the kiddo wear the used ones on his head.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Westword's biggest stories.