Note: This week, Adam Cayton-Holland has been giving blogging advice to Monica Owens, daughter of former Colorado governor Bill Owens, who's sharing her thoughts about the Republican National Convention on 9News.com. Read ACH's first entry here and his second blast here.
You know how in a bustling metropolis you fall in love a thousand times a day? A chance glance across a subway car, a flash of leg through a raincoat, a brief interaction in a corner market, and all of a sudden your heart’s in your throat over some stranger you hardly even know? Have you ever followed up on those feelings? Ever chucked societal norms and tact out the window, grown a pair and asked that person out for a cup of coffee right there, right then, because fuck it all, life’s too short? And if you have, if you’ve been so bold as to make that move, have you ever sat down to coffee with that stranger and realized what a complete and total mistake you just made? How grating and annoying this hot woman sitting across the table from you actually is? You panic. You try to think of outs. Could I just splash this scalding coffee in my face and sprint right out of the Starbucks? Maybe point behind her vapid head and yell, "Hey what’s that?" and then just run away? Here’s a tip: fake a phone call. Apologize. Say, "I’m sorry I have to take this call real quick, it’s my boss." Then head outside plugging your other ear, like you’re really trying hard to hear what that imaginary person on the other end of the phone is saying, and then disappear. In the end, it’s actually kinder.
Monica Owens, consider this me faking that phone call with you.
Trying to spice up your Republican National Convention blogs while at the same time coming on to you because you’re hot and your family has money has been a disastrous mistake. Not because I get to tear through your entries like a vindictive middle school teacher going through a rough divorce; I actually enjoy that part. But simply reading your blogs has gotten to be too much to handle. Your latest round – two blogs, one day, gadzooks, girl, you’re gonna hurt yourself – reads like Dick and Jane Go to a Convention: "Service and Country First were the themes of the convention. We enjoyed entertainment by Rachel Lampa... Senator Joe Lieberman…spoke to the democrats and independents and the importance of democrats support of John McCain for President."
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SHOW ME HOW
Note her curious move to forego any attempt at grammar in the dumbing down of her prose. Provocative -- and fun to write: "Then after reading my blog Adam gouged his eyes out with a McCain pin. This made his eyes hurt. Adam doesn’t like it when his eyes hurt. It makes him sad."
Monica’s entry after Sarah Palin’s speech, though, made her earlier work seem almost Dickensian: "Just leaving the Xcel Center after one awesome evening! Sarah Palin was herself a maverick tonight. She was not afraid of the camera or of Obama or of Biden... Instead she stood up to the democrats and their liberal agendas. As a women (sic), I have no doubt that she will be a phenomenal and steadfast leader along with Senator McCain. She was hard hitting on energy and understands the needs of all Americans. I am so looking forward to seeing Maverick Palin debate Joe Biden!”
I've had more insightful conversations with people whose language I don't speak. Seriously, Monica, what the fuck? You’re really blowing this opportunity and if I were you... oh, geez. I’m sorry, can you hold on a second? That’s my phone vibrating in my pocket. Yeah, I know you don’t hear it -- that’s because I set it on vibrate with no ring because I didn’t want to interrupt all the important things you were saying. No, I’ll be really quick. I’m just gonna step outside to hear this better. Be right back. Promise. -- Adam Cayton-Holland