The NFL season is upon us, which means fans across the nation are preparing to spend the next five months locked in a fierce battle with their internal organs, testing the limits of consciousness, heckling incoherently, and fighting with their fellow man over their admiration for the wrong-colored laundry.
But which team's fans are the most tanked of all? Through careful research, we've picked winners(?) in all eight divisions, wild card teams, conference champions and a Super Bowl Champion of Hammeredness. Why? Because football is America's game, and there's nothing Americans are more devoted to than gettingreally hammered in parking lots. Preferably shirtless. -- Joe Tone
AFC East Division Champion: Buffalo Bills Scouting Report: They might be losing their team to Canada, but they'll lose their livers first. Go-to beverage(s): Molson, Canadian Club.
AFC West Division Champion: Oakland Raiders Scouting report: This was close between Oakland and Denver, which was recently ranked the drunkest city in America. But we went with the Raiders, because we were afraid what would happen if we didn't. Go-to beverage(s): King Cobra, meth.
AFC North Division Champions: Cleveland Browns Scouting report: Welcome to the Muni Lot. Please check your coherence at the gate. Go-to beverages: Whatever's on sale at Giant Eagle.
AFC South Division Champion: Houston Texans Scouting report: So wasted they listen to Limp Bizkit. Go-to beverage(s): Budweiser.
AFC Wild Card Pittsburgh Steelers Scouting report: Even on the road, and in the face of calls for their tasering, Steelers fans stay focused. Go-to beverage(s): Whatever they can steal from Browns fans' coolers after Browns fans pass out.
AFC Wild Card New England Patriots Scouting report: Not only veteran drunks, but oddly reliable in the kicking game. Go-to beverage(s): Sam Adam's Holier Than Thou Ale, now with 13 percent more asshole.
NFC East Division Champion: Philadelphia Eagles Scouting report: Sorry, Redskins fans, but the Eagles fans got hammered enough to make several decent-looking women pretend to like football, and this video montage was getting a little dude-heavy. Go-to beverage: Bud Light, preferably in glass bottles, which shatter more easily after yet another heartbreaking playoff loss.
NFC North Division Champion: Detroit Lions Scouting Report: Not even freezing rain can slow down Lions fans. It can, however, make them look like morons. Go-to beverage(s): Anything they can drink through their paper-bag masks.
NFC South Division Champion: New Orleans Saints Scouting Report: By being hammered and shirtless the entire year, Saints fans ensure they don't drunkenly forget to tailgate. Go-to beverage(s): Hurricanes. But, yes, you can call them Slurricanes.
NFC West Division Champion: Seattle Seahawks Scouting report: Not that hammered, but helped by the fact that they're the only team in the division. Aren't they? Go-to beverages: Tall vente frap with an extra shot of heartbreak.
NFC Wild Card Chicago Bears Scouting report: An excellent road team. And they can spell! Go-to beverage(s): Polish sausage
NFC Wild Card Washington Redskins Scouting report: The famed Dead Tree Crew appears to do enough drinking for the entire FedEx parking lot. Also, the crew's mayor, seen here, is a leading candidate for the league's Most Douchiest Douchebag award. Which is unrelated, really, but we thought we should throw it out there. Go-to beverage(s): Crown Royal.
NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles Anyone who can plan an outing to Hooters in this condition is a champion in our book.
AFC Champ Buffalo Bills Makes sense, really. What the hell else is there to do in Buffalo?
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Superbowl Champion of Hammeredness Buffalo Bills The exchange at the 1:15 mark says it best: "You know this guy?" "Yeah." "He's off the hook!" And, yes, he is.