NFL Season Preview 2008: Which team has the drunkest fans?

Eagles fans wear their alcoholism proudly. But are they the NFL's most hammered? (Photo courtesy of Frants photography)
Eagles fans wear their alcoholism proudly. But are they the NFL's most hammered? (Photo courtesy of Frants photography)

Eagles fans wear their alcoholism proudly. But are they the NFL's most hammered? (Photo courtesy of Frants photography)

The NFL season is upon us, which means fans across the nation are preparing to spend the next five months locked in a fierce battle with their internal organs, testing the limits of consciousness, heckling incoherently, and fighting with their fellow man over their admiration for the wrong-colored laundry.

But which team's fans are the most tanked of all? Through careful research, we've picked winners(?) in all eight divisions, wild card teams, conference champions and a Super Bowl Champion of Hammeredness. Why? Because football is America's game, and there's nothing Americans are more devoted to than gettingreally hammered in parking lots. Preferably shirtless. -- Joe Tone

AFC East

Division Champion: Buffalo Bills

Scouting Report: They might be losing their team to Canada, but they'll lose their livers first.

Go-to beverage(s): Molson, Canadian Club.

AFC West

Division Champion: Oakland Raiders

Scouting report: This was close between Oakland and Denver, which was recently ranked the drunkest city in America. But we went with the Raiders, because we were afraid what would happen if we didn't.

Go-to beverage(s): King Cobra, meth.

AFC North

Division Champions: Cleveland Browns

Scouting report: Welcome to the Muni Lot. Please check your coherence at the gate.

Go-to beverages: Whatever's on sale at Giant Eagle.

AFC South

Division Champion: Houston Texans

Scouting report: So wasted they listen to Limp Bizkit.

Go-to beverage(s): Budweiser.

AFC Wild Card Pittsburgh Steelers

Scouting report: Even on the road, and in the face of calls for their tasering, Steelers fans stay focused.

Go-to beverage(s): Whatever they can steal from Browns fans' coolers after Browns fans pass out.

AFC Wild Card New England Patriots

Scouting report: Not only veteran drunks, but oddly reliable in the kicking game.

Go-to beverage(s): Sam Adam's Holier Than Thou Ale, now with 13 percent more asshole.

NFC East

Division Champion: Philadelphia Eagles

Scouting report: Sorry, Redskins fans, but the Eagles fans got hammered enough to make several decent-looking women pretend to like football, and this video montage was getting a little dude-heavy.

Go-to beverage: Bud Light, preferably in glass bottles, which shatter more easily after yet another heartbreaking playoff loss.

NFC North

Division Champion: Detroit Lions

Scouting Report: Not even freezing rain can slow down Lions fans. It can, however, make them look like morons.

Go-to beverage(s): Anything they can drink through their paper-bag masks.

NFC South

Division Champion: New Orleans Saints

Scouting Report: By being hammered and shirtless the entire year, Saints fans ensure they don't drunkenly forget to tailgate.

Go-to beverage(s): Hurricanes. But, yes, you can call them Slurricanes.

NFC West

Division Champion: Seattle Seahawks

Scouting report: Not that hammered, but helped by the fact that they're the only team in the division. Aren't they?

Go-to beverages: Tall vente frap with an extra shot of heartbreak.

NFC Wild Card Chicago Bears

Scouting report: An excellent road team. And they can spell!

Go-to beverage(s): Polish sausage

NFC Wild Card Washington Redskins

Scouting report: The famed Dead Tree Crew appears to do enough drinking for the entire FedEx parking lot. Also, the crew's mayor, seen here, is a leading candidate for the league's Most Douchiest Douchebag award. Which is unrelated, really, but we thought we should throw it out there.

Go-to beverage(s): Crown Royal.

NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles

Anyone who can plan an outing to Hooters in this condition is a champion in our book.

AFC Champ Buffalo Bills

Makes sense, really. What the hell else is there to do in Buffalo?

Superbowl Champion of Hammeredness Buffalo Bills

The exchange at the 1:15 mark says it best: "You know this guy?" "Yeah." "He's off the hook!" And, yes, he is.

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