"That Lauren Nettina is my kinda gal."
"That Lauren Nettina is my kinda gal."

Obama arrives in Denver as Colorado's Lauren Nettina sues him, feds for $950 trillion over mass conspiracy

In 1964's Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, U.S. Air Force General Jack D. Ripper set in motion the mutually assured destruction of the Cold War superpowers due to his paranoid belief that the Soviet Union was engaging in a covert campaign to taint "our precious bodily fluids."

If he had survived, he'd probably appreciate Lauren Nettina.

The Denver woman, who identifies herself as "an authentic genius" and shares a host of similar conspiracy theories, including a "water controversy that is religiously based," says the government's true conspiracy lies in shapes, textures, telepathy and even litter. But she's not seeking world destruction. Instead, she's suing President Barack Obama (who's visiting Denver today) and virtually the entire executive branch, past and present, for $950 trillion. And she's not joking.

Now, we routinely post court documents on these news blogs. But if you only read one, this should be it. Seriously, check it out .

Because it's impossible to re-write in any substantive fashion Nettina's case, here's an excerpt from the thirty-five page complaint against the government filed Wednesday:

Briefly state the background of your case:

I believe the Department of Justice and affiliates listed above permit overuse of virtual technology to access living beings. This is to control information, behavior, physiology, reproduction (DNA cloning), longevity, conduct harassment, conduct punishment through controlled life conditions that act as a virtual court of law, discriminate that defines life destiny, access intellectual property to control thought and innovations, conduct investigations that lead to a defamation of character, manage daily operations of living capital to secure the globe with the intent to condition the Federal Reserve when in fact their activity erodes societal values, privacy and precipitates a global recession.

Examples of virtual technology utilized:

  • Hidden camera
  • exposed camera
  • DNA-based brainstem software
  • Infrared technology
  • Thought monitor
  • Emulating software
  • Thought monitor
  • Telephonic eavesdropping and controls
  • Nerve Center
  • Probe

Yes, this is a real court document, filed with the U.S. District Court in Denver. And the somewhat Orwellian tribute to the U.S. justice system goes on to state several examples, of which we solicit to you but a few:

  • Manipulate body temperature to create cold hands and feet to precipitate peripheral vascular disease
  • Administer a conference bridge on my brain as a forum for 2 years in spite of my constant written and verbal requests to permanently disconnect it
  • Insert/force pictures and/or video of dysfunctional pictures in my brain

So what does Nettina ask in compensation should the government be found guilty of these mass conspiracies? Well, the $950 trillion payout is a given, but she's also demanding that the court order "the federal government to communicate the truth about water technology that I discovered, my character and intelligence to society across the globe."

Among her more practical demands, Nettina is also asking that she never again be forced to pay income taxes.

No taxes? Hey, if this turns into a class action lawsuit, I want to straddle this bomb, even if it provokes apocalyptic, mutually assured destruction.


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