Boys will be boys: If you want to know whether the recent scandals have changed Air Force Academy cadets, look no further than the message board. Long before Westword revealed the rape allegations, the cartoon at left was posted on the unofficial site; recently, the cartoon on the right was added to its home page.

Off Limits

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's new book, Living History, may be sitting on top of the New York Times's bestseller list, but the true Clinton aficionado's collection isn't complete without It Takes a Hillary, written by local author, student teacher and grandmother Cheryl Osburn-Housley.

The recently published 35-page "multi-genre work" is a pastiche of poetry, faux Palm-pilot entries (5:30 p.m.: supper at home with Chelsea; 7:00: appear on Muppet Show), cartoons and imagined conversations between Her Hillariness and that other first lady, Eleanor Roosevelt.

The quirky little volume, complete with misspellings and creepy cover illustration, was inspired by the author's own experiences with early marriage, teen pregnancy and lack of education. "I might have been compelled to explore the life of our first lady based on my admiration of her commitment to the improvement of educational opportunity alone, but as my research unraveled the Hillary mystery, more extensive personal correlation materialized," Osburn-Housley writes in her book's introduction.

To share the solution of that mystery, she forked over a small fortune to Dorrance Publishing Co., the vanity press that printed her book for an undisclosed sum.

And now, for just $8, you can have all the answers. In the meantime, here's some (verbatim) advance insight in the form of a scene and a song from Osburn-Housley's book:

Reflections on Love

[Scene: After jogging, Hillary is dressed in the master bedroom bathroom of the White House, and Bill walks in, dressed only his boxer shorts, patting his sides.]

Bill: Hon, I've put on about ten pounds. I'm really starting to look my age.

Hillary: Even you couldn't look thirty-nine forever.

Bill: Should I wear the blue suit? It's more slimming.

Hillary: You look great in that suit.

Bill: So you agree I need to slim down some?

Hillary: If you feel uncomfortable about yourself, I suppose. You could cut back on the McDonald's...

Bill: You know I'm on the run all day. Their fries are a lot better than Burger King or Wendy's. If only I had your will power.

Hillary: I never dreamt that I'd call on my willpower with the frequency our image in the media requires of me. I'm either a "Femi-nazi" or a "Tammy Wimpette." It takes all the willpower I can muster, sometimes, to keep from screaming at those reporters.

[Looking in the mirror, Hillary finishes styling her hair as Bill splashes on aftershave lotion.]

Bill: The image of feminism is always controversial. The media is threatened by a woman they can't guide or direct. You debunk the old "helpless female" stereotype.

Hillary: You know, I fell in love with you because you were never afraid of my strengths.

[Hillary embraces Bill, cupping his "love handles" with her hands.]

Bill: And I fell in love with you because you were never afraid of my weaknesses. [They kiss.]

First Lady, It's You

How luck-y that you are the la-dy You're

some-thing that I've never seen I've

nev-ver had a friend who had the mind of you No

trea-sure trove is better than the find of you How

luck-y that you are the la-dy I'm

really a fortunate fool.

Life was "uc-ky" Kind of "yuck-y" but this time I got luck-y How

luck-y First Lady, It's you

How luck-y that you are the la-dy You're

some-one u-nique in this world What

lov-li-er a fate could I de-serve than you I've

nev-er seen a hu-man bein' who served like you How

luck-y that you are the la-dy You're

real-ly too good to be true

I'll ac-cept it you can bet it slap me silly if I ever forget it How

luck-y First Lady, it's you

Just don't ask the junior senator from New York to sign your collector's edition of It Takes a Hillary when she appears at the Cherry Creek Tattered Cover on July 26. Her time is limited to an hour and a half with the good people of Denver (only those good people who bought a copy of her book at the Tattered Cover, where free tickets were available with purchase) and she won't be tagging anything but Living History. How un-Village-y.

Hold the love handles.

Cash and carry-on: Sure, those $25 million bounties on the heads of Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden look like good money, but Iraq's not the only place where you can grab some fast cash. There are plenty of potential tipster payoffs right here in the Centennial State.

One of the biggest is a $100,000 prize for anyone with information on the 1999 mutilation-murders of homeless men along the Platte River. An anonymous donor ponied up the cash, hoping to entice someone to snitch on the killer of six men, three of whom were decapitated. A seventh man, Melvin Washington, was stomped to death as he slept on a grate in Skyline Park; three homeless boys -- Thomas Holden, Nathan Harrison and Christopher Ball -- were convicted of that murder. But no one's ever been arrested in connection with the other six cases, and the reward money remains unclaimed, according to Denver Police Department spokesman Sonny Jackson.

As for the current cat mutilations, the Denver Dumb Friends League has posted a $14,500 reward. Even national radio personality Paul Harvey's jumped on the pussy posse, pleading on the air for the killings to stop. Apparently he didn't get the July 1 memo from the Aurora Police Department, which is leading the investigation and said it would no longer discuss the case "due to concern that media coverage may provoke more mutilations." Currently, spokesman agent Rudy Herrera will say only that there have been about 45 incidents in the metro area thus far -- although the APD did have to correct itself after falsely identifying one feline death as a mutilation when it was actually death by animal causes, and another tip turned out to be sleeping cats.

And finally, the United Mine Workers of America Local 9856 in Trinidad came up with $5,000 to help solve the mystery of the mutilated memorial. On May 7, the Ludlow Memorial -- a marble statue that depicts a miner and his wife and honors workers killed in the April 20, 1914, standoff with the Colorado Fuel and Iron Company -- was decapitated.


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