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Off Limits

Tic tac d'oh! Andy Brzeczek's minty-fresh portraits of Homer Simpson, the Hamburglar, Garden Gnome, Bozo the Clown and Mr. T.

APB! There's a thief on the loose, last seen in the vicinity of Fourth Avenue and Broadway.

According to artist Andy Brzeczek, a girl named Angela made a clean getaway with his glue gun a month ago. And he wants it back -- so badly that he's slapped up fliers around the Baker neighborhood. They picture the $5 gun with a tear dripping from its nozzle, accompanied by this plaintive plea: "Missing/Lost! Abducted Hot Glue Gun! I really miss her. She was the best Glue Gun ever. Does not answer to 'Glue Gun.' Last seen with a girl named Angela."

"It's so stupid," says Brzeczek, speaking not of his desperate posters, but the petty theft of his beloved glue gun. "I work at Meininger, and this girl said she had a project due that night, and we didn't have one at the store, so I said if you promise to bring it back, I'll loan you my glue gun. She said she lived just down the street. It's been four or five weeks now, and I have yet to hear from her or see her."

Actually, the perp has made her own demands known through posters that suddenly popped up in the neighborhood this past weekend. "Looking for Tic Tac Portraitist," they state. "Will Pay with Lovely 'Hot' Glue Gun. E-mail redbunny@riseup.net for photo."

Brzeczek hasnt gotten a response from redbunny (nor has Off Limits), but hes sure that the fliers refer to his glue gun, since hes the only tic tac portraitist in town. In fact, last month at Pirate, he mounted tictacular, a show featuring portraits of such pop-culture icons as Hunter S. Thompson and Homer Simpson, all done on the tiny breath mints. At $75 a pop, he sold enough to buy a new glue gun -- which he may have to do.

Because while informants keep calling in with sightings, hes no closer to getting his hands on his favorite tool. I got a call at 1:30 in the morning saying, I think we saw your glue gun, and it was walking downtown. It had a prostitute in one hand, in the other it had a forty, he says. Ive also gotten a few We got your glue gun right here, man, calls. But when he calls the callers back -- ah, the joys of caller ID -- the drunken dialers usually have no idea of the guns real whereabouts. One couple felt so bad that they promised to look out for the thief, and in the meantime offered Brzeczek the use of their own glue gun, as well as some dope. He declined.

I just want my glue gun back. Its that simple, Brzeczek says. Its not a hoax. I know that its trivial -- it was only $5 -- but its valuable to me. Its a matter of principle. This is important stuff. I was being a generous person, and I shouldnt be treated this way.

Guess who's coming to dinner? Josh Pool was eating brunch on the patio at Dixons two Saturdays ago when he discovered that a snake was dining at a nearby table. It was at least three feet long and three inches thick, he says. "We objected immediately, before the owner even set it down, and we told the woman and the waitress that we weren't going to sit by a snake. So we came into the restaurant and waited for the manager to have the woman removed. But [she] wasn't. "

So Pool called Dixons co-owner David Racine at sibling restaurant Racines, and when Racines answer didn't satisfy him, he left and called the Denver Department of Health. On Monday, two city inspectors appeared at Dixons -- and after investigating the situation, they informed staffers there that animals, even snakes, are allowed on restaurant patios if those patios encroach on a public right of way, such as the sidewalk along Wazee Street where Dixons sets up shop.

For lovers of both pets and patios -- there were two dogs dining outside Dixons when the snake made its appearance -- that interpretation sounded too good to be true. And as it turns out, it was. As far as the departments rules and regulations go, there shouldn't be a dog, a cat, a snake, unless it's a training dog, says health-department inspector Gina Oswald. "The patio is considered to be part of the seating, which is licensed under our rules and regulations. It's no different than a dog being inside a restaurant."

The department didn't cite Dixons for its unwanted guest. But even with the snake banished, Pool plans to stay away, too. "I was disappointed in general that a hostess would even allow a snake to walk through the restaurant," he says. "We were treated like second-class citizens, even though we were the ones just eating our meal there normally."

Meatballs: Gadfly Rick Stanley did not go pasta point of no return Sunday night. The former Libertarian candidate for U.S. Senate/current gun crusader managed to keep his most lethal weapon holstered at a dinner for roughly a hundred of his nearest and dearest anti-government cohorts. "The event went very well," says Nicole LeFevre, manager of the downtown Maggiano's. "We had no problems."

The $38.05-per-person, family-style affair was a saucy sendoff for Stanley, who's on trial all this week in Adams County for attempting to influence a public servant. Specifically, he'd sent both Thornton municipal judge Charles Rose and 17th Judicial District Judge Donald W. Marshall a notice of order threatening to have a citizens' militia try them for treason. Their crimes? Violating the U.S. Constitution, Stanley says, and also sentencing him to hard time for bearing arms in public places. Stanley recently finished serving thirty days in Denver County Jail for carrying a .380 Beretta during a 2002 Bill of Rights rally; just before that, he served ninety days in Adams County for having a .357 revolver at a Thornton community event.

The carbo-, not ammo-, loading dinner also kicked off Stanley's week-long Gathering event, which involves such fun activities as standing in front of the Adams County Courthouse from 7:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. while Stanley's on trial. But Stanley's comrades-in-arms have already missed the big party: Two weeks ago, the feds raided his home and business, Stanley Fasteners, on suspicion of possible anti-government activity (possible?) and income-tax opposition. No charges have yet been filed, and the U.S. Attorney's Office is keeping quiet about what the raiders hoped to find. "The FBI, IRS and other members of the Joint Terrorism Task Force were executing a court-ordered search warrant," says spokesman Jeff Dorschner. "But beyond that, as to what they were investigating, I can't comment."

For once, even Stanley is keeping quiet, and he did not respond to Off Limits invitations to shoot his mouth off in print. But the bloggers on www.lpcolorado.org, the Libertarian website, are loud in their support, even if the party censured Stanley during his 2002 Senate race after he said that Senator Wayne Allard should be tried for treason because he voted for the Patriot Act.

"The joint terrorist task force is investigating Rick Stanley!" posts goth-Libertarian Severin. "He might be a lot of things, and I know other libertarians have differences with him over his aggressive open rebellion, but he is not a terrorist! I would feel safer in Ricks presence then I would in the presence of GW Bush."

Pass the pasta...

More meatballs: Another notorious civil liberties crusader/pain in the ass, Daniel King, is a man on a mission. He's started an eBay auction, http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/ebayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6907681540, selling a cash advance so that he can publish a comprehensive book that will strive to tell what Bill Clinton seems to have left out of his revisionist autobiography, My Life. And he's only charging a mere $5,000 for the honor -- financing available.

"While there is NO RESERVE for this auction, the seller/author reserves the right to TURN DOWN any offers not deemed worthy by the seller of this comprehensive account of what Bill Clinton and his lapdog news media friends have neglected to tell the world about the dark side of Bill Clinton's life & his presidency," the item states. So far, there have been no bids on the auction, which ends June 29.

King's particularly pissed at Oprah, whose June 22 interview with Clinton inspired this e-mail: "Oprah, I can't believe how naive you are when it comes to Bill Clinton's fictional account of his life & presidency (My Life) & I challenge you to ask him what my Ebay auction dares to ask!"

Team Oprah's response: "Dear Daniel King IV, Thank you for your e-mail! Your message is important to us. Unfortunately, due to the volume of e-mail messages we receive every day, we cannot guarantee that youll receive a personal response. Feel free to check out our Frequently Asked Questions for additional help."

But King is used to the brushoff. In fact, he recently moved to Florida to get away from local media types who "just don't get it," he says.

We feel safer already.