Oh, the places (I hope) you'll go, Brandon Marshall
Back in March, at the height of Jay Cutler's bitchfest, I laid out the five teams to which I hoped Culter would get traded -- places I was sure he would hate, and places where I hoped he would fail. I'm a sadistic, juvenile little man like that. The fallout, of course, was grave: The entire city of Buffalo descended on this blog, biting at Denver's ankles like drunken chihuahuas, lobbing such thoughtful critiques as "You're some lifeless asshole who blogs all day and has nothing in his life. Go get a real fucking job and leave the shithole you call denver, ride a horse or whatever the fuck you do in the west." Well said, Buffalo. Now, here we are, a mere six months later, and the Broncos are under pressure to unload the second half of their two-big-headed passing monster, as Brandon Marshall continues to demand a trade and teams continue to inquire about acquiring him. Will the Broncos give in? Who knows? But if they do, I know where I want Brandon to end up:
5. Atlanta Falcons. I know what you're thinking: The Falcons have a solid quarterback, an All-Pro running back and plenty of other weapons. Are you crazy? And yes, I am. But here's the thing: So is Marshall. And so, it seems, is his ex-girlfriend, who (I believe) still lives in Atlanta. Put them in the same zip code and he's bound to put a brick through her window and wind up in jail, where, judging by his previous actions, he probably belongs. I know he didn't hit any dogs, but women are people, too, you know?
4. Oakland Raiders. I didn't get my wish of Cutler ending up there, but perhaps I'll have better luck with Marshall, since Al Davis loves himself some receivers. And what would be great about this is that in week three, when Marshall drops the seventh pass of the season, one of those crazy bastards will jump out of the Black Hole and shiv Marshall with a shaved down Pepsi two-liter, and Marshall, thinking it's one of his girlfriends, will fight back, and the whole stadium will erupt in a riot, the only person not participating being Al Davis, because it's hard to really fight when you've been dead since 1987. What a sight that will be.
3. San Francisco 49ers. For so many reasons. Number one: With rookie
wideout holdout Michael Crabtree on the roster, Marshall just might be forced to leave his ego in the practice-facility parking lot, since trying to fit both of their egos in the locker room would no doubt end in disaster. It'd be like two fat people having sex in a spa: They might pull it off, but not without getting some people wet. Number two: Marshall's presence alone might make Mike Singletary's head explode. Not to mention that he'd have to coach the whole season with his pants around his ankles.
2. Buffalo Bills! Why? Because Buffalo's a shithole, of course!
Kidding! I love Buffalo. I really do. But I like the idea of Brandon signing with Buffalo because he thinks it's a borough in New York. I like the idea of him flying into the Buffalo airport, looking out the window, bewildered, and saying to his agent, "Hey, man, where are all the big buildings?" I like the idea of Terrell Owens saying to him, "I know, man, I thought the same thing! Turns out New York is like its own state or some shit. Crazy, huh?" And I really like the idea of watching balls bouncing violently off Marshall's and Owens' hands all season, until Trent Edwards loses his fucking mind and kills them both.
Plus, you know, it's Buffalo. That place sucks.
1. Chicago Bears. Chicago's a nice place, and they have a nice team, and I suppose the image of Cutler throwing TDs to Marshall might require some overtime for the folks at the local suicide hot line. But I just have this gut feeling that the whole reason Cutler demanded a trade in the first place was that he and Marshall had some weird closeted prima donna lovefest going on, and it just hurt too much to see Brandon every day -- so Cutler was all, "I wish I knew how to quit you, but I don't, so I'm going to demand a trade," and he did. And now he's learning to forget about B-Marsh. But B-Marsh doesn't give up on love so easily -- this we know -- so he's trying to engineer a trade to Chicago so they can be together again.
We all know how that will work out: With Marshall stabbing Cutler in the leg. And that would be the happiest ending we could ask for.
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