On 4/20, the worst places to stash your stash
Despite the obvious enthusiasm for its legalization -- see today's rallies in Denver, Boulder, Santa Cruz and other hemp-friendly havens -- marijuana is still technically illegal. So it behooves us to consider that it might sometimes be advisable to, you know, hide it. Many have tried. And many have failed. So in the interest of public service, we provide this list of places where it's probably not a good idea to stash your herb.
10. In the back of your Playstation
Seriously, this is not hiding. This is just putting it where it more or less belongs. Everyone who smokes pot has a PlayStation, everyone knows about the expansion bay, everyone knows that's there the weed is. Yes, even cops. Probably even your mom. Anyway, first rule of hiding something precious: Don't hide it in something else precious.
9. Wherever the Porn Is
The other big rule of hiding something: Don't hide it with something else that will get you in trouble. You hide all your contraband in the same place? You're just putting everything you hold dear at greater risk. Ignore this rule and you'll come home to find your girlfriend smoking it on the couch, waiting for you to come home and explain why you're bogarting the blunt and hiding a copy of Big Milf Juggs 2.
8. With Michael Vick
Aside from the fact that the guy has a whole host of other problems? This is a dude who does not know how to discreetly handle his bud.
7. The Toilet Tank
I don't care that you saw it in a Tarantino flick, this is a shitty idea. Why? Because everyone else has seen those movies, too, and the first place they're going to go is to the toilet tank. The only thing you ought to have in there is a brick to save water, man. (Now, hollowing out that brick? Completely different story, so long as you have the right drill bit and some heavy-duty Ziplocs.)
6. In an Altoids Tin, with a Magnet on it, Stuck to the Bed Frame
Come on. Has anyone, ever, gotten away with hiding anything -- ANYTHING -- under their bed? Playboys? Diaries? Dimebags? The answer is no, Richie Cunningham.
5. Packaged in a Happy Meal
In 2007, a Chicago eight-year-old got a McDonald's Happy Meal with a burger, fries, a lighter, a pipe and a small bag of pot. Turns out that one of the employees had stashed his smoke and supplies in a stack of empty Happy Meal boxes -- but instead of ones back in storage, he chose the stack right next to the drive-thru. (This is your brain on drugs.) Sort of too bad it had to happen by mistake, because in terms of marketing, pairing something that causes the munchies with the munchies itself is freaking genius, man.
4. In One of Those Fake Shaving Cans
Here's the thing: These only work if you don't have another real shaving-cream can sitting right there with it. Even the dullest of amateur detectives will notice that two cans of shaving cream is one can too many. Come to think of it, maybe this is the reason that so many heavy chronic-users have Kyle Orton-y beards.
3. Somewhere in Your Car
Just ask pop-star Aaron Carter, or Buffalo Bills running back Marshawn Lynch, or Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island, or our own Denver Nuggets Carmelo Anthony: Cars get stopped. And cars with weed inside get stopped and then impounded. And losing not just your yerba, but also your ride, in the same day? That's a no-good-very-bad day, my friend.
2. Buried in an Ancient Chinese Tomb
Proving once and for all that Calgon is not the only ancient Chinese secret, archeologists in late 2008 uncovered a 28-ounce stash of killer green -- worth about $8,000 on today's market -- in a 2,700 year old tomb in far western China. I know the ancients were big on trying to take it with them, but man, don't take the toke too. Interesting side-note: This excavation seems to have had a "curse" similar to the Egyptian tombs of the Pharaohs. In this case, the ounce-weight of the found stash mysteriously diminished over the time spent at the dig, isolated in the Gobi Desert wastes. Scientists involved were unable to explain this phenomenon, but expressed little concern for it overall, adding "You guys got any Cheetos?"
1. In Your Shoe
No one's thought of that before. Perhaps next, you could go invent the home computer, write Star Wars, and colonize America. This is such an old idea that one shoe manufacturer actually made a shoe with a hidden pocket in the tongue--and then labeled that pocket "Secret Stash 4/20." Wow. What a good plan. Even high, the mind boggles.
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