Penis-size map: Coloradans' units may be small -- but not compared to the Chinese!
Penis size matters -- at least judging by the amount of time we spend obsessing about it. Which is why we were thrilled to check out the Penis Size Worldwide Map on view below. Or at least we were until we found out how the United States stacked up -- especially in light of a survey showing that Colorado doesn't measure up very well compared to our fellow states.
Last year, the evil bastards at Condomania released a report intended to determine the states whose dudes had the biggest shlongs. And Colorado came in 40th!
Seriously. States a lot smaller than ours -- even Rhode Island! -- were far higher on the dick-size roster than we were. And while it's nice to know we outdistanced Utah and Wyoming, well, it certainly made talking to guys from size-leader New Hampshire more than a little awkward.
There's no redemption globally, either. The average U.S. dick is listed at 5.1 inches, or 12.9 centimeters -- that bigger digit is a real argument in favor of the metric system, isn't it? Unfortunately, that puts us in the second-lowest of five divisions, a helluva long way shy of Congo (7.1 inches, 17.93 centimeters), as well as Sudan (6.4 inches, 16.47 centimeters), Mexico (6.2 inches, 15.1 centimeters), Ukraine (5.5 inches, 13.97 centimeters) and, well, most of the rest of the globe.
Thank goodness for China (4.3 inches, 10.89 centimeters). We'll be traveling there to take a public shower very soon.
Get the bad news yourself here. To enlarge the map, just poke at it -- just like you do with a penis! Except this time, use your cursor.
Bad news, right? But the cartographers put it into perspective. The map viewer contains the following message: "Think we invest 5 times more in research on penis enlargement and breast size increase than in Alzheimer's. This means that we will all be gorgeous, but we won't remember what we used it for."
That's the long and the short of it.
More from our News archive: "King Tut's penis: It's missing from him, and the new DAM exhibit."
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Westword's biggest stories.