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Photos: Angry Denver hooker and nine more Weekly World News Colorado scoops

Remember the print edition of the Weekly World News, the supermarket tabloid that specialized in stories about rock music curing a deaf girl, JFK and Hitler still being alive and Hillary Clinton adopting an alien baby? Well, we found an amazing archive of its "reporting" from the Reagan era into the last decade and discovered a treasure trove of Colorado scoops, all guaranteed true or false -- one or the other. From '90s issues alone, we learned about everything from a toe-eating babysitter to a Denver hooker angry at...well, you'll see. Count down our ten weirdest finds below.Number 10: The resurrection of Sammy

Photos: Angry Denver hooker and nine more Weekly World News Colorado scoops

Paula Magnuson of Denver couldn't bear the thought that her beloved hamster, Sammy, had gone to his final reward. So she popped into the freezer and then, on a lark, decided to thaw him out six months later -- and lo and behold, he was perfectly fine! Number 9: Revenge of the Porta-Pottie Inspector

Photos: Angry Denver hooker and nine more Weekly World News Colorado scoops

A dangerous lunatic with a superhero (supervillain?) fixation reportedly was fed up with the condition of portable toilets at DIA -- so he decided use arson in support of justice. Among his alleged notes: "If you don't fix the toilet-paper dispenser, I will burn down another one. Signed, The Flame Man." Continue to keep counting down our favorite Weekly World News Colorado scoops.

 

Number 8: Zap your way to health

Photos: Angry Denver hooker and nine more Weekly World News Colorado scoops

"Lamebrained salesman" Denny Setzwick, a Denver resident, was feeling depressed and out of sorts. So how did he jolt himself back to happiness? With a cattle prod, of course. As he put it, "I decided to try a little do-it-yourself electroshock therapy -- and by God, it worked like a charm!" Number 7: Mmmm....toes

Photos: Angry Denver hooker and nine more Weekly World News Colorado scoops

An eleven year old from Denver figured out a surefire way to convince her folks not to make her babysit her little sister anymore -- bite off two of her toes and part of her ear. Delicious, nutritious and kids like 'em, too. Continue to keep counting down our favorite Weekly World News Colorado scoops.

 

Number 6: The pause that doesn't refresh

Photos: Angry Denver hooker and nine more Weekly World News Colorado scoops

The expression "dying of thirst" didn't apply to the late Denverite Patricia Carpenter. Instead, her boyfriend says she died of quenching her thirst. "She would drink a pitcher of ice water or a two liter bottle of water in one sitting," he said. "She acted like a person who's drunk and is trying to work off the effects of alcohol. But she hadn't had any liquor in more than a year."

Maybe that was the problem.

Number 5: Happier than they look

Photos: Angry Denver hooker and nine more Weekly World News Colorado scoops

Sylvia and Earl Simmons may look like the grumpiest of grumps, but they know how to party! Continue to keep counting down our favorite Weekly World News Colorado scoops.

 

Number 4: The original Balloon Boy

Photos: Angry Denver hooker and nine more Weekly World News Colorado scoops

Cool-headed Colorado schoolboy Alex Nicholos wound up in a runaway balloon -- but he managed to land the craft safely by following instructions given him by an experienced pilot communicating with him via CB radio in a car thousands of feet below. That other Balloon Boy's got to be jealous. Number 3: The Denver Burros?

Photos: Angry Denver hooker and nine more Weekly World News Colorado scoops

Amazing fictional WWW columnist Ed Anger had the gift of ranting, and in this column, he focused it on the Denver Broncos -- um, Burros -- after they lost miserably to the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl XXIV in 1990. His solution to boring blowouts? "Let's have a substitute pro team waiting in the locker room ready to take the field and replace loser teams like Denver the minute they fall more than 17 points behind." Continue to keep counting down our favorite Weekly World News Colorado scoops.

 

Number 2: Kid stuff

Photos: Angry Denver hooker and nine more Weekly World News Colorado scoops

An unnamed eleven year old from Denver pulled a bandanna over his face and held up the Champa Food Store. But that's not what upset the writer of this fine article the most. The piece notes: "When the angry, gun-toting store owner chased him back to school, the snot-nosed kid hid behind a teacher and claimed he didn't know 'nothin' about no robbery.'"

Take some pride, junior!

Number 1: Hookers and patriotism

Photos: Angry Denver hooker and nine more Weekly World News Colorado scoops

Let's let special correspondent Rick Tracy's coverage speak for itself.

"The cold war with the Commies is over," he writes, "but a new battle is brewing on the streets of America's major cities -- between our hardworking hookers and the curvaceous Russian cuties who want a piece of the action.

"The beautiful Russian sex kittens knows there are big bucks to be made on their backs," he goes on, "and they're coming to the U.S. by the hundreds. Angry American prostitutes say they'll fight to protect their turf."

Among the latter is a Denver hooker named Peaches, who makes it clear the Russkies aren't wanted. "We're sending them a message," she says. "If they're smart, they'll hop the next plane back to Siberia."

Makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it?

More from our Lists & Weirdness archive: "Ten funniest/weirdest Colorado videos on eBaum's World."


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