April Fool's Day pranks are a sacred tradition for Denver Cruiser Ride. Last year, for example, the Cruisers released a collection of bogus themes for the weekly Wednesday rides (including "Skid Marks & Seamen Stains") before sharing the genuine items.
And this year? The Cruisers unveiled the real themes only after DCR instigator Brad Evans published a website announcing a totally fictional run for mayor. Get details and see the complete, photo-illustrated list below.
Evans started putting together B-Rad 4 Denver Mayor at 10:30 p.m. on April Fool's Eve, yet it's every bit as detailed, photo-laden and elaborate as many sites assembled for actual politicians. Here's how he introduces his "campaign...."
Isn't it about time? With each election cycle, it seems to me that we always end up having to choose between a Douche Bag and a Turd Sandwich (yes, this is from a beloved South Park Episode). With launch of B-rad 4 Denver Mayor, our work will be focused on ending the ongoing "Ground Hog Day-esque" game of voting for "Change" and then getting nothing more than another political animal that appears to work only for the interests of the rich, powerful and politically connected.
It's time to put your money where your mouth is! No longer will you hear what you want to hear from an elected leader. Instead all voices will have access to the system, and if we step forward together, not only will B-rad listen to the needs of the entire community, but he'll do what he's always done: hear what the needs are and put them on the front burner. (This translates to saying one thing and doing another).
Let's get real: There'll be no pretending that the homeless problem doesn't exist; nor saying that bikes are important and then ignore what's required to protect riders; or that the health and safety of our citizenry isn't of critical importance. Un-tethered by the political forces that traditionally dominate the political landscape, a vote for B-rad will be a vote for those that need and seek a voice in how our city shapes itself in the future.
...and here's his roster of issues:
• Ban cars entirely from city center • Direct city resources toward developing world-class bicycle facilities • Put an end to the seemingly perpetual cycle of homelessness in Denver • Institute a carbon tax for all flights departing from DIA • Free RTD Eco Passes for all City and County of Denver residents • Eliminate parking tickets - Develop bcycle style car parking program • Free city-wide internet service • Commit city resources to build 1,000s of affordable housing units • A friend indeed to Denver's medical and recreational marijuana • Put a stop to hours-long wait to get a Voodoo Doughnuts • Free drunk ride home program -- goal of dropping DUIs 75% by 2016 • No car? Property owners will receive 25% discount on property taxes • Focus on development of urban core and put an end our sprawling ways • Work to end "cowtown" mentality from city government • Create programs for new/emerging businesses to navigate bureacracy • Modernize and radically reform how the city issues permits and licenses • Work w/urban core neighborhoods to mitigate the affects of densification • Encourage citizenry to devote their time to making Denver great • Set a tone that creates an atmosphere of cooperation and progess • Support police and public safety employees to serve and protect citizens • Employ innovative thinkers to solve the challenges a modern city faces • Deliver a budget that eliminates stupid expenses and encourages thrift
Voters who like this platform -- especially the part about eliminating the wait at Voodoo Doughnuts -- will have to hope another candidate adopts it. After all, Evans has got his hands full with Denver Cruiser Ride.
"Our first ride is going to be gigantic," he says. "There'll be a street closure at 14th and Champa underneath the Jumbotron. We're partnering with the Downtown Theatre District and the Global Dance people for a huge block party."
"Denver's really embraced bikes, and this is part of that," he allows. "I look at it as an on-and-off switch for summer. In the middle of May, the switch for summer goes on, and at the end of September...click, it ends, and summer is over. And that fits me perfectly, because I like to ride bikes when it's seventy degrees."
As for what he and thousands of other peddlers will be wearing Wednesdays throughout the summer, here's the complete list of themes. The code that accompanies them can be deciphered like so: "O" = Original, "P/V" = Past Theme/Variation and "C" = Classic.
Reds & Robes (O) May 21
Seven Deadly Sins (V) June 4
Summer Camp (O) June 11
Soul Train (V) June 18
Overcoats & Underwear (O) July 2
People Of Walmart (O) July 9
You Light Up My Life (O) July 16
Dress Night (C) July 30
All Holidays (V) August 6
The Letter S (V) August 13
Dungeons & Drag Queens (O) August 20
Road Warrior (C) September 3
TBD September 10
TBD September 17
Pirates, Sea Men & Mermaids (C) September 24
Ullr Fest: Winter Wonderland (O)
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Send your story tips to the author, Michael Roberts.
More from our Things to Do archive circa April 2, 2013: "Photos: Denver Cruisers' hilarious April Fools' theme schedule -- and the real thing."