Once upon a time, TV anchors would reject any attempt to portray them as sexy, seeing such a designation as undermining the seriousness of their profession. But it's the 21st century, bitches, and 7News is actively campaigning on behalf of its staffers to triumph in a People search to find the sexiest local TV anchor alive. (Yes, the magazine has limited the contest to dudes, in an echo of its annual "Sexiest Man Alive" staple.) But who should really represent Denver? We rank eighteen anchors from all five local news stations on their sexiness quotient. Check out our picks below, from least to most sexy -- and for the full rules about how to participate in the People survey, which runs through October 22, click here.
Number 18: Drew Soicher, 9News
A few years ago, a viewer told us the thing he liked least about HD television was that his new set allowed him to see just how crooked one of Soicher's nostrils is. And the nose knows. Number 17: Tom Green, CW2
We love us some Tom Green, but he's way too cynical and sarcastic to willingly take part in this competition. You can tell by the smile he's wearing in this shot that he'd accept the award while muttering through his teeth, "Burn in hell, idiots." Number 16: Lionel Bienvenu, 7News
When the 7News art department creating this faux-cover for you, Lionel, you know they were doing it as a joke, don't you? Don't you? Continue to keep counting down our picks for the sexiest male Denver TV anchors. Number 15: Mark Koebrich, 9News
When it comes to bangability, well, Koebrich would be like doing it with your dad. Eeeesh! Number 14: Jim Benemann, CBS4
Can Big Jim's avuncular style be sexy, too? Maybe for Mrs. Benemann (they've got four kids), but probably not for too many others. Number 13: Ryan Haarer, 9News
We know you haven't been at the station for very long, Ryan, but if your bosses haven't ponied up to get a glamorous promo photo for you yet, you've got no shot. Continue to keep counting down our picks for the sexiest male Denver TV anchors. Number 12: Boris Sanchez, CW2
Sanchez looks way too much like a regular guy to be anyone's idea of a sexpot. In fact, if his bosses figure out how normal he seems, they may give him the heave-ho -- so don't tell anyone. Number 11: Gregg Moss, 9News
A lot of us can relate to Moss's follicle challenges, and he's got the biggest forehead in the business. But we don't remember ever hearing anyone say, "Big forehead, big unit." Number 10: Mitch Jelniker, 7News
Remember those art department people who were snickering as they were putting together a mock People cover for Lionel Bienvenu? Sorry to tell you, Mitch, but they were having a little chuckle over you, too. Continue to keep counting down our picks for the sexiest male Denver TV anchors. Number 9: Vic Lombardi. CBS4
Conventionally sexy? Not quite. But at least he could make you laugh. Number 8: Jeremy Hubbard, Fox31
Hubbard may be the current Denver anchor who seems the most, well, anchor-y. But does that mean we can picture him playing a rockin' flute solo and having it off with Christina Applegate? Not exactly. Number 7: Tom Mustin, CBS4
Mustin reminds us a little of Guy Smiley, news anchor on Sesame Street. And we understand that there are a number of kinky things that can be done with hand puppets. Continue to keep counting down our picks for the sexiest male Denver TV anchors. Number 6: Nick Griffith, Fox31
This photo makes Griffith sorta look like a Flintstone. Just sayin'. Number 5: Gary Shapiro, 9News
We thought it'd be funny to put Shapiro this high on the list, even though his hair color isn't found in nature. Let us know if we were right. Number 4: Chris Parente, Fox31
At last, someone with style -- which makes up for him not knowing what movie Kristen Wiig was naked in. Continue to keep counting down our picks for the sexiest male Denver TV anchors. Number 3: Eric Kahnert, 7News
The art department guys were probably laughing during this shoot, too -- but we bet Kahnert was laughing along with them. As the finished product indicates, he's ready for heavy petting. Number 2: Alan Gionet, CBS4
The silver fox! Gionet resembles the sort of guy who gets cast as the rich cad on soap operas -- and what's sexier than that? Well, one thing. Number 1: Kyle Clark, 9News
Those eyes. So blue. So dreamy. So easy to get lost in them and block out all the depressing news reports he's reading....
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
Send your story tips to the author, Michael Roberts.
For more memorable takes, visit our Comment of the Day archive.