What does manliness mean in the 21st century? According to our friends at the real estate blog for Movoto, who've compiled a list of Colorado's ten manliest cities, it's a combination of things. Like steakhouses. And cigar shops. And gun stores.
Look below to see Movoto's top ten, complete with photos interspersed with details about the ultra-scientific study shared on the original post. Betcha can't guess who's number one. Or number two. Or number three....
Number 10: Lakewood
Barber Shops: A Close Shave and a Neat Haircut
Ah, the barber shop. This is the closest most men are willing to get to a "spa," whatever that is. It's in these temples to the male noggin that we're willing to trust highly-trained experts to cut our hair and shave our faces for us using the only real implements for doing so: scissors and a straight razor. They'll also chat with us about sports, the latest greatest trucks, or--if we so choose -- not a damn thing at all.
Grand Junction was a cut above Colorado's other cities when it came to barber shops per capita, followed by Littleton and Denver.
Number 9: Lafayette
Boxing Gyms: A Gentleman's Sport
After you've gotten your hair cut all tidy and your mustache waxed, it's time to practice your proficiency at pugilism. Sure, you can swing away at a speed bag in most gyms, but it's at one specifically meant for boxing that you'll find a salty coach figure ready to bark nearly incomprehensible orders to duck, weave, and jab at you.
As it turns out, only eight of the top 25 cities in Colorado have one. Englewood has the most on a per capita basis, followed by Littleton, and then Wheat Ridge.
Car Parts Stores: Don't Touch My Special Lady
When a truly manly man isn't in the ring, he's under the hood of his car (or underneath it changing the oil). In fact, we're pretty sure that being a man requires you have at least some grease on your hands at all times (your wedding day is no exception).
On a per capita basis, Englewood has the most car part stores. Littleton and Denver are second and third, respectively.
Number 7: Boulder
Cigar Shops: Have Humidor, Will Travel
We're not condoning smoking, just pointing out that the stereotypically manly man is often pictured smoking a cigar while enjoying a glass of a fine spirit while relaxing in a room with his compatriots. Where's this man going to get his stogies? At a shop that specialized in, um, stogies.
Once again, Englewood smoked the competition here. Wheat Ridge was next up on a per capita basis, followed by Grand Junction.
Gun Stores: Let's Go Shootin'
The image of the typical burly outdoorsman includes his trusty rifle or shotgun. Or perhaps he's a firearms collector. In any case, he'll need somewhere to get new pieces for his collection and buy ammo -- unless he's a real man and reloads his own.
Littleton shot to the top of the gun shop ranking with the most per capita. Wheat Ridge was second, and Englewood was third.
Number 5: Wheat Ridge
Hardware Stores: Like Toy Stores For Men
You've heard it before: Tools are like toys for men, and home improvement shows are our reality TV. Any real man Mecca is going to need a lot of hardware stores per capita; places where men can go to debate the finer points of electric drills and the right gauge of wire to use for a woodshop light fixture. Where men won't get funny looks for gazing longingly at a new wood router, or poring over lawn mower instructions like they're a New York Times bestseller.
If this sounds like the best place ever, you'll find the most of them per capita in Littleton, followed by Englewood and Denver.
Sporting Goods Stores: The Great Outdoors
For men looking to take advantage of the countless outdoor activities that Colorado has to offer, their first stop is going to be the local sporting goods store. It has everything the rugged outdoorsman needs for fishin', campin', bikin', and hikin'.
Wouldn't you know: Englewood climbed to the top of this category. Boulder placed second, while Littleton was third.
Number 3: Denver
Sports Bars: Neighborhood Hangouts
Whether it's watching the Rockies, Broncos, or other Colorado teams, or just hanging out with friends and having a few beers, sports bars are a staple of the manly way of life. They're also great venues for sharing tales of manliness and holding facial hair contests.
Should we be surprised that Denver won this round? Probably not. It has the most sports bars in the state per capita, but Broomfield and Littleton weren't far behind, ranking second and third, respectively.
Steakhouses: For Real Man Food
Remember earlier when we talked about enjoying a fine cigar and glass of booze? In the manly man world, those two things happen after consuming a fantastically large steak. Preferably with a loaded baked potato on the side. (The chives on it count as a second vegetable.) You'll find the best steaks at restaurants that specialize in their preparation.
Littleton has the most of these per capita, with Denver and Englewood placing a close second and third, respectively.
Number 1: Englewood
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Putting It All Together
Once we knew where each of the 25 cities ranked in these individual criteria, we calculated an average ranking for them across all the categories. When the dust had settled from this mathematical equivalent of a lumberjack competition, monster truck rally, and triathlon all rolled into one, Englewood was on top, its muscles rippling in the Colorado sun.
So, if you're a manly man and want to know which of Colorado's largest towns will treat you right, you can't do better than Englewood. But, hey, being such a manly state, you're sure to do well no matter where your travels take you. Even the biggest city, Denver, placed well.
More from our Lists & Weirdness archive: "Photos: Twenty hot weather looks if fashion laws were suspended, The Purge-style (NSFW)."