This week, CU-Boulder Regent Jim Geddes argued that the university should add more conservative faculty as a way of striking a better ideological balance at the famously liberal institution -- this after CU chose Steven Hayward as the Board of Regents' first "visiting scholar in conservative thought."
But what will these conservative instructors teach? We've come up with a whole new curriculum sure to put students in a right state of mind. Check out the ten suggested, catalog-ready classes below.
ENVS-2001 (4) Global Warming: Hoax, Hooey, Humbug or Boner?
Covers how ecological ideas and principles pertaining to global warming theories are faulty despite scientific evidence that appears to "prove" them. The ecology of environmental concerns ranging from endangered species to global carbon cycling will be reviewed and debunked, with perspectives from physiological, behavioral, population, community and ecosystem ecology ignored in favor of reminders that it's usually still cold during the winter.
JOUR-1004 (3) Contemporary Media Analysis: Fox News
An introduction to the role of Fox News in contemporary society, focusing on the cultural, political, economic and historical context within which its quest for the truth gained such flexibility. Required texts: All Bill O'Reilly books about important people who were shot to death.
TMUS-4478 (1-3) The Genius of Kid Rock
Offers advanced studies in the analysis of Kid Rock's lyrics, with a special focus on metaphorical corollaries to the platform of Mitt Romney. Additional language credit option for students able to decipher the meaning of "Bawitdaba."
LAWS-5143 (1) Legal Ethics & Professionalism: Are They Necessary?
Explores both the kind of law students might decide to practice and the ethical, personal, and professional commitments that tend to get in the way when it comes to building an empire.
MCDB-1038 (3) Human Reproduction and the Rhythm Method
Discusses the negative biological, historical, ecological and social impacts of the condom, birth control pill, contraceptive sponge and IUD as compared to abstinence, careful ovulation-related record-keeping and cold showers. Free daycare provided for students with five children or more.
FILM-1007 (3) Clint Eastwood, Chair Man
Introduces the critical study of Eastwood's filmography, exploring theoretical, historical and technical concerns associated with blowing holes in hippies and ordering around Sean Penn. Students will hone critical-thinking plus close-analysis and writing skills while scripting conversations with imaginary presidents.
PSCI-3022 (3) The People's Republic of Boulder: A Critical Analysis
Introduces students to the subjects, techniques, and findings of Political Science research on Boulder's political system, with apt comparisons to Maoist China, the Soviet Union under Stalin, Castro's Cuba and pay-what-you-want restaurants that close after two weeks. Particular emphasis is placed on the study of campaign effects, partisan coalitions, electoral rules and the supposition that most residents would rather vote for a rabid squirrel than a Republican.
BCOR-1023 (3) Bruce Benson: Titan of Industry
Provides an overview on the life and career of the University of Colorado president, with a special focus on his background in oil and gas production and how that really might piss off progressive students advocating for divestment from fossil fuel-related industries. Weekly discussion of current events will focus on entrepreneurship, career topics and how to convince your buddies how cool it is to have a building named after them.
EDUC-2129 (3) The Ward Churchills of the Future and How to Fire Them
Provides an overview of warning signs likely to surface during the interviewing process, including, but not limited to, applicants who insist they are Native American whether they can prove it or not, scholarly research that involves cutting and pasting, and having opinions that a lot of people don't like. Examines the educational theories of intellectuals and why they can often be a pain in the ass.
RLST-2508 (3) Religions in the United States, and Why One is Enough
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Explores the development of various religions within the shaping influences of American culture, emphasizing Christian values and their obvious superiority to other faiths. Topics such as the separation of church and state will be explored and disregarded.
More from our Lists & Weirdness archive: "Photos: Top ten Passive-Aggressive Notes from Colorado, 2013 edition."