Our last trip to the Boulder Craiglist "Rants and Raves" page, back in October 2013, was plenty weird. But our most recent visit revealed strangeness on a truly impressive scale, with screeds aimed at targets like "Bicyclist Idiot," "The dick in the BMW" and plenty of other inspirations for posts that are sometimes funny, sometimes bizarre and frequently indescribable, including a top pick that only uses three words but would probably make a great lyrics for a punk-rock song anyhow.
Count down the ten most memorable posts below.
Number 10: Bicyclist idiot (Right off 63rd and jay road)
To the douchebag bicyclist who doesn't know how to use a bike lane properly, I enjoyed the refreshing water in my face from your now most likely empty water bottle. I thought you might've wanted to save it for the hot ride up such a steep hill but I appreciate you sacrificing yourself for me. Also in regards to my back windshield wiper, I'm not sure what kind of retard magic you used but somehow you fixed my trunks lock mechanism that I had been worrying about somewhat. I hope your hand doesn't hurt from punching my mirror either (which you didn't damage at all lol), you sure looked like a pussy trying to put on a show of strength. Either way thanks for fixing my car I hope you enjoyed my moldy buns.
Number 9: the dick in the bmw on 19th St
I really enjoyed watching you throw a fit like a junior high school girl, as you had no choice but to drive the speed limit. You looked hilarious. Especially that douchey mustache. That shit on your lip doesn't make you look tough at all. Neither does your fat beer gut. You know, you just look plain fucking stupid and dumpy. That car is an obvious attempt at some sort of compensation for your manhood. Anyway, I'll never go over the speed limit for you. If you were drowning, I wouldn't help you. I would sit there and watch you and your fucktard mustache drown.
Continue to keep counting down the ten strangest Boulder Craigslist "Rants and Raves," summer 2014 edition. Number 8: Killer drones (louisville)
OK. How long before some nut (evil nut) figures out how to drop a grennade or some other killer invention on some public gathering ? Or crash one into something with C4 on it ? Excel has been granted permiossion to use drones to survey their power lines. How long before a fruitcake flies one into one of those ? Drones should absolutely be BANNED from city limits everywhere ! And be prevented from flying over forrests and public gatherings. And make it a Felony with the FAA in charge. They should also be registered like an airplane with ID numbers on them as well as passing a flight test that provides a license.
Stop the problems before they start. If there EVER was a issue concerning privacy, this is it. Police should be allowed to use them, but ONLY if they get a possible Felony call.
Stop it now or pay big time later!
Number 7: To the bigot
Perhaps I've been in the "Boulder Bubble" too long. Maybe I was just being naive all this time. Walking down Pearl Street on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon hand in hand with my love. We didn't kiss or grope or anything else you might see a young couple doing. No, we just held hands and went about our day. "Fucking filthy dykes," you said as you passed by.
I understand seeing something you don't approve of out in public space. That's one of the risks we take living in a free society, at any time we could be confronted with someone or something that conflicts with our values and belief systems. Our society is diverse and dynamic, to me this one of life's joys. I respect that you clearly have some beliefs that are very different from mine. It's when you decided to impose your opinions on others as you did that you branch into the unforgivable. What you said was harassment, plain and simple.
I can't speak to what your goal was. Perhaps you meant to shame us, threaten us, or simply hurt us. Whatever the goal, unfortunately for you it had the opposite effect. Granted there was an initial sting but soon that faded into the smuggest sense of pride I have ever felt. Never before had I been so resolved to keep calm and carry on. I don't always hold my partner's hand but from now on, I always will. I have a wonderful life and I share it with the woman I love. Your approval is not required.
So what would you do if your in-law is the ***** from Hell? Not only is this creature cold, calculated, cheating, pretentious, manipulative, petty, vindictive but highly prejudiced. To this vermin, Americans are just stupid gringos to be taken advantage of, squeezed dry, disrespected, pillaged and hopefully gotten rid of. One of the offsprings works here on someone else's SS, the credit cards are run to the max and not paid off, the lies spread wide about every achievement (none so far), yet the credibility grows each day, anywhere this putrid thing goes. The outside appearance is perfectly constructed, yet in private, the nastiest, most foul attitude and actions take place, designed to enslave the family and so called friends, to achieve the ends for this dung's means. What would you do to end this thing's terror?
Number 5: i thought this place was friendly?
I am extremely disappointed in the conduct of the people of CO that I have met thus far. I moved across the country for a few reasons: 1- the east coast is filled with aggressive, arrogant douche bags who think you owe them something for breathing THEIR air 2- everyone raves about the friendliness of the Midwest 3- CO is having a large economic boom.
So I research these claims, determine that there is enough supportive evidence to back these claims and I move here temporarily to work and see the area for myself. I gotta say, y'all are a bunch of weirdos. Pretentious posers hanging out smoking weed and relishing in sounding like a stupid stoner, rage filled business people who need to go 100 in a 25mph zone just because they can; unintelligent uneducated rubes that view weed as the destruction of the entire world and can't formulate full thought without using 10 words meant to incite an angry response.
You guys need to take a step back, take a fucking breath and really RELAX. This area is touted across the country as being the sensible part of the nation, the friendliest, hard working rational people...I thought that this was a place I could move to, raise a family in a manner supportive of my own beliefs and morals while having a community surround us that would nurture our social connections and we could grow as a family unit in step with a cultured, educated population.
Also, to all the pot smokers/detractors: inform yourselves of more than just talking points and flashy, emotionally eliciting words. If you are getting baked and stuggling to tell your delivery guy what your address is, you are not "enlightened". Pot has been consumed for the past 5000 years (look it up) and the world didn't end back then; yes you could very well create your own drug (e.g. Bath salts, salvia) and the government can't do anything against you for a limited time because there must be a drug analog already on a DEA schedule for it to be shoe-horned in as illegal under that schedule; yes the government is watching all we say and do and what are you doing to change that? Raging about stoners online? Way to challenge the status quo and show Uncle Sam what for lol
Really people, you are supposed to be the best this country has to offer. Can't you just stop hating on one another and be more constructive?
Continue to keep counting down the ten strangest Boulder Craigslist "Rants and Raves," summer 2014 edition. Number 4: re:re;re! "Just say no"
You just proved my point! Another idiot who knows he's an idiot and makes assumptions by not reading nor processing the message, but is very fond of using the newest and most exciting word "supercilious." Spelling is way above your capacity therefore I shall not mention it further. Look up Sarah's last name as well, while you're at it. Punctuation and capitalization are another matter lacking from your character. Oh wow! And to think the future might be manned by someone like you! What have your parents done? Obviously created a cretin; hopefully infertile! Just to help you out, see picture, unless you are also visually challenged aside from the mental condition.
Number 3: JUST SAY NO! -- (anywhere)
So if I call in my payment, there's a $10 processing fee? So if I send in a check as payment, there's a $25 courtesy fee? So if it's direct withdrawal there's a $6 blah, blah fee? So if the payment date falls on a weekend, there's a $35 late charge? So if the item was defective or it didn't work for me there's a $30 re-stocking fee? So to take my own money out of an ATM there's a $5 fee? So there's a $10 convenience fee to pay off a Collection agency, each month? So there's a $20 late fee for the mail being lost between Boulder and Denver when paying my medical fee? So there's a $500 fee for a 10X10 patch of dirt for 5 hrs as a vendor? So there's a $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ fee for reading the local or national news on line, now? So if I want to travel, they will strip and search me naked and than ask for payment for the luggage and airline food (what the fuck?) So I call for service and I have to pay $75 just for the traveling expense a block away? Fuck you! So I buy groceries and have to pay for a bag to save the planet when they are already in my backyard FRACKING and digging my house's grave? What's next? Parking meters at the grocery store? Shit! I just gave them another fuck-me idea!
So I enjoy the rain that Nature provides, but I have to pay for it if it collects in a bucket instead of my foundation, but if it fucking floods me, it's a disaster caused by nature and they are not responsible for what they claimed is theirs when it fell into my bucket and they wanted to charge me for? WHAT THE FUCK? So I have to pay a penalty when I put up a sign to slow down in the street so kids and pets do not get killed, but it's all right if they line and spray and dig for no reason other than to get more money in the budget under the guise of helping us; fuck you!
Shall I go on? I'm sure you can get your gears oiled a bit and figure out how many more fees, penalties and how much more bullshit YOU are willing to put up with! Then again. . .putty is just that and so is cow manure. . .just a continuous feed and malleable when stepped on.
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!
My fees for the above, plus more, have amounted to over $400 in one month alone! That's hours and hours of my life, working! My life to the greedy! If that's not slavery, I don't know what it is! And we're not even allowed to call ourselves NIGGERS! Because it ain't politically correct! What are we then? MOLES?
I will no longer keep up with the "COMMUNITY" of thieves by ever selling my art at any of the fares or gatherings (I'd rather give it away)! I will no longer read the news or vote ( it's all ugly, uncompromising and stressful, never mind useless! I will no longer use the ATM or banks (they use my money to stay in business and penalize me for it too)! I will no longer buy anything but wait until I find what I need for free ( no re-stocking fee for discards)! I will no longer pay my mortgage or medical bills ( they don't care for the health anyway, just the bottom dollar and getting you sicker so they are indeed profitable)! I will no longer use credit cards ( they are the devil's ticket to hell anyway)! I will no longer be used or weak ( that is how they all get away with bogus charges)!
What I will do, alone of needed be, fight them in courts when they decide to sue me for not giving in to their unfair, greedy practices!
Am I alone in expecting service without constant penalties on top of what I pay, or do any of you have any balls to protest such usury?
The more we give in, the more we ignore, the more they love our ignorance and complacent, casual natures and the more fees and penalties they will add to our already costly existence.
IT's their drug of choice, GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEED! so why not "JUST SAY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Continue to keep counting down the ten strangest Boulder Craigslist "Rants and Raves," summer 2014 edition. Number 2: Whoever dented the red Subaru Outback in the King Soopers parking lot (Boulder, CO)
You dented and scratched my red Subaru Outback on the driver's side door. It was in the King Soopers parking lot, sometime between 11pm-2am last night. I'm not mad at you for denting and scratching my car. I get it. Mistakes happen. But what I am mad about is that you didn't have the common decency to leave a note. No information, heck, no apology -- just a big fat nothing.
Did you ever stop to think about why I was parked there so late? It's because I work overnight stocking. Graveyard shift. I could only do graveyard shift, or else it would have conflicted with my daytime job. I need both for the same reason I'm planning on selling my car in a couple of months: to help me pay for school.
And now you've dented my car.
This means I have to pay to repair it and paint it, because people won't pay as much for a dented car. They just won't. But first, I have to fix my windshield, which has to be completely replaced, and a piece in my engine. Neither of which I have the money for. Thanks for adding the repair cost into that. You can be sure when I'll remember that cost later, when I have to buy school supplies.
But you're too wrapped up in your own world, worried about your own thing, and it's "just a little dent." Never mind that it's the next thing on a long list of crap I've had to think about, deal with, and pay for. Never mind that I'm working my butt off inside for a small handful of money that can barely keep me afloat in this area.
Maybe you were busy. Maybe you were late. Maybe you had some kind of emergency come up. But really? I was there until 7am. You could have come back to leave a note any time. The fact that you chose not to... well, you know those lists that float around online, you know, the ones that "will restore your faith in humanity," or "[g]ive you hope for people today"? Yeah, you're not one of them. In fact, you effectively ruined my night. Good job. You should feel accomplished that you have so little respect for another person and their belongings that you could damage their stuff and just drive away. It's truly shocking that someone could have so little personal responsibility and respect.
Like I said, just an apology, and I would have forgiven you and gotten over how upset I am. Just a little, tiny, 30-second note. I might even accept an apology now, because maybe you've just never learned to see two inches past your nose and it never even occurred to you how much a "little dent" could hurt someone. If that's the case, then maybe you need to start looking at the rest of your life. Who knows who else you, without even realizing it just because you aren't paying attention, are hurting?
Good job. Thanks for nothing.
Number 1: Fuck you amanda
Fuck you Amanda! Fuck you Amanda! Fuck you Amanda! Fuck you Amanda! Fuck you Amanda! Fuck you Amanda!
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Send your story tips to the author, Michael Roberts.
More from our Lists & Weirdness archive circa October 2013: "Photos: Ten strangest recent Boulder Craigslist 'Rants and Raves.'"