We've all been out on bad dates -- but what's the worst? That question was asked in a funny Denver Yelp thread a while back, and participants responded with some doozies. We've illustrated our favorites and compiled them into a bad date top (bottom?) ten list -- one with a surprise happy ending! Count them down below, and if you've had an even more painful experience, feel free to share it in the comments section. Number 10: The Force is strong with this one
"Went out with a guy who claimed Darth Vadar stayed at his house once, then said that people thought he was a liar because of his extreme intelligence. He then stalked me for a while, but finally went away." Number 9: Puppy love
"I was asked out for a date from this douche-bag that was in DU's construction management program. I remember he was upset because one of his roommates kicked his puppy in the face (WTF?) Long-story short, he admitted to me at the end of the date that he asked me out because he wanted "in" with my roommate; he really wanted to date her. Ouch. Of course, she had no interest, whatsover." Page down to continue our ten worst dates in Denver countdown. Number 8: Everyone loves sushi!
"The guy insisted on sushi even though I told him I didn't like it. (Why do people seem to think if you have something with them, your experience will be magically different?) He then proceeded to order about $80 worth of sushi. I had a glass of wine & 2 bites of food. The conversation was painfully dull. Then when the check came he ignored it for like 15 min. Finally I asked if he needed me to help -- yes! Paid close to $50 for a horrible evening. And he thought it went well & asked me out again. Um, NO!" Number 7: Well, at least the ringtone wasn't "You Give Love a Bad Name"
"Met a guy downtown who originally wanted me to drive clear out to Louisville (from Aurora -- where I was at the time) to his area. Upon meeting, found out his profile (yes, online dating site) was "over a year old, I've just never changed it," which was great considering I only met up with him because I was bored and his profile said he was new to the area and wanted to make friends.
Over the painful course of the evening I came to realize someone had taken my antithesis in male form and put him before me. This guy argued (yes, ARGUED) that people NEED meat in their diets (talking to a long-time vegetarian here), he voted for Bush twice, and was pro-Iraq War (despite not being in the armed forces himself). At one point I excused myself to use the restroom and thought there was no way he'd still be at the table (surely he had to have witness the train wreck as well).
Nope. Wrong. Guy was still there and proceeds to try and talk me into going back to his place (still in Louisville!) for date rape. I mean drinks. Yeah, no thanks, buddy. I only agreed because we were driving separately anyway and I wanted an escape from him. As I was getting onto the highway (knowing full well I was headed home) I called him to tell him I changed my mind, but not before I got a dose of his Bon Jovi "Dead or Alive" answertone. That was pretty much the icing on top of my totally-over-online-dating cake.
"I went out for a date a little more than a decade ago with this 'Modern Indian Alpha Male.' My poor mum was hoping that I would consent to an arranged marriage. To please her, I agreed to see this ape.
Within minutes of our drive to a fancy restaurant in Bombay, I was told that I was assertive, spoke funny for an Indian, was too independent, and then proceeded to woo me with MTV hits from the late 80's and 90's -- one would've had to have known what Indian MTV was like to appreciate the irony. I am into heavy metal, the bloke played cheesy, boring Madonna's and whatever the 'cool' sappy love song was hot at that moment -- I distinctly remember Bryan Adams. UGH!
Then I was asked if I loved cooking, breeding and being a dutiful daughter-in-law. Would I be okay if we had children immediately after we got married? Oh, and coup de grace -- was I a virgin? Because after our fist night as husband and wife, my mother-in-law would come to inspect the bed to make sure there were ample proof that I was one. Then I was offered a soft drink, while he had a whiskey and soda. So bloody surreal.
Mind you, by this time, I was eager to cut short my holiday and take the next flight back to France.
I hailed the waiter, got a glass of bubbly, the cheque (I paid) and walked off.
Number 5: Holy obligations
"Mine was this guy who decided to take (more like ambush) me to his church which was really an empty store in a strip mall with a circle of plastic chairs and people speaking in tongues. I was apparently the center of attention because someone told them all they'd get toasters for converting me or something, but also had to dodge the laser beams of hate from his family's eyes. They didn't like that he brought a date to church.... I guess I'm not the only one who was uncomfortable with that.
"I was finally ready to walk home after the many requests to take me home were ignored, but he gave in at last. And yes, he actually asked me if I wanted to go again. I didn't even get a glass of water."
"We went downtown to a delicious pizza shop. He insisted on ordering for me, ordered something I would never eat, and I had to track down the waiter so I could I order what I want. He tried to get me to drink alcohol and bullied me the whole night about that I didn't eant to drink. He drank, waay too much, and started an argument about everything. The waiter saw my pain and tried to help. My date got jealous and tried to fight the waiter, got kicked out, and I had to pay for everything including his damn drinks. He was waiting for me outside, followed me to my car while asking -- no, begging -- me to go back to his place. I told him he was crazy. He screamed out my license plate number and ran away repeating it to himself. Um, crazy? Number 3: Third time's the charm
"I met a girl in a speech class in college. We went to lunch a few times, met up at a couple of parties, and talked on the phone for a few weeks before we went out on an actual "date," We went to dinner and had a great time. The conversation was fresh and interesting and there were definite sparks. I took her back to my place and we watched a movie. One thing led to another and....she had three nipples. Seriously. It is really difficult reliving this experience...." Page down to continue our ten worst dates in Denver countdown. 2. Offering a hand
"Went on a date with a girl from Match.com and found out at the end of the evening she was married. Then was offered a handy because Aunt Flo was visiting, and the hubby was going to be returning home anytime." 1. Punk Rock: A Love Story
"I went out on a first date who was this dude who was really into punk and wore a punk hoodie to the date. We had already talked on the phone and got along great, so it didn't bother me when he showed up in casual gear. We sit down at the restaurant and this drunk Chad walks up to our table and says he doesn't want to ruin the evening, but he finds my date's sweatshirt to be incredibly offensive. My date, dumbfounded, just says, "Really?" The guy continues to talk about how his father and grandfather fought in wars for our freedom and my date's sweatshirt is an insult to America. Basically, the guy tries to get my date to come outside and fight about this whole thing, claiming he could "kick his ass." There were no blows thrown, but needless to say, the rest of the date was sort of weird.
So I agree to a second date to make up for the weird first date. I decide we should go see Black Swan. Yeah. That's an awkward movie to see with a date you've not so much as kissed. The whole time was sort of...uncomfortable.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
But! The third date went quite nicely, as did all of the dates after that. So well, that I'm sitting next to him now in what will soon be our shared apartment."
Follow and like the Michael Roberts/Westword Facebook page.
More from our Lists & Weirdness archive: "Photos: Ten memorable Missed Connections from Denver Craigslist."