Back in 2010, the folks at Condomania, a web-based condom retailer, came out with a list of states ranked by penis size (based on the size of condoms people from each one ordered), and Colorado placed 40th! Oh, the shame!
This year, however, Condomania's updated its list, and Colorado has made a big leap forward. How far did we rise? Count down the photo-illustrated top twenty to see where we wound up -- and which states still have an alleged size advantage.
Number 20: Pennsylvania
Not quite as big as a jumbo Philly cheesesteak, but pretty respectable anyhow. Number 19: Oregon
We don't want to speculate about whether Oregon's place on this roster has anything to do with it being the Beaver State.... Number 18: Virginia
A state named for a virgin queen. Hope all those sizable penises aren't going to waste. Number 17: Connecticut
Connecticut is known as "the Nutmeg State." Insert your own inappropriate joke here. Continue to keep counting down the top twenty states by penis size. Number 16: Florida
No surprise given that the whole state looks like a penis. Number 15: California
Great: Something else for Californians to boast about.... Number 14: New Jersey
Would you expect any less from the state that gave us both Frank Sinatra and Tony Soprano? Number 13: Wisconsin
At first, we thought it'd be too gross to make a reference to cheese-heads. On second thought, we were right. Continue to keep counting down the top twenty states by penis size. Number 12: Maryland
Putting the "more" in "Baltimore." Number 11: Colorado
Whoo-hoo! Watch out, top ten! Here we come! Number 10: South Carolina
North Carolina didn't make the cut. Guess that gives South Carolina bragging rights. Number 9: New York
Maybe they'll have to tweak that whole "Big Apple" nickname. Continue to keep counting down the top twenty states by penis size. Number 8: Alabama
From the Crimson Tide to the Crimson Wide. Number 7: Arizona
The guys in Arizona are supposed to be hot -- but we hear it's a dry heat. Number 6: Ohio
Finally some good news for Cleveland. Number 5: Massachusetts
Must be because of all those Kennedys. Continue to keep counting down the top twenty states by penis size. Number 4: District of Columbia
If this isn't an argument for statehood, we don't know what is. Number 3: South Dakota
Not fair! You shouldn't be allowed to estimate penis size from the heads on Mount Rushmore! Number 2: Rhode Island
Gotta think they're ordering larger sizes than they need to compensate. Number 1: North Dakota
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How you gonna keep 'em in the city when they see how big the penises are on the farm?
Send your story tips to the author, Michael Roberts.
More from our Schmuck of the Week archive circa March 2010: "The guys who called Coloradans' d*cks small: Shmucks of the Week."